Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Changes Not In Motion - Being Stuck

Lately, I have been obsessed with making a change... like, for the past six months or so.  While I strive to take initiative in my life and refuse to be unhappy, I continually feel I have no control whatsoever.  Every step I take to move to a road of recovery seems to lead to a dead end.

My life is at a curious point: in just five years, my little girl will have graduated from high school.  I am desperate to embrace every moment I have left with her in my home.  At the same time, I find myself truly missing her younger years and wishing I had treasured those times more than I did.  I realize I have always been "wanting better" - for myself, for her, for our lives in general.  Regrets.  While they surround me, I try to push them away to focus on the here and now... hence, reducing future regret...?

As a certified Event Planner, I am always looking ahead.  Though the present moment is all we actually have, I admit that I look to what is approaching - I know it is a way to distract myself from all that currently disappoints me.  I have wanted to show my daughter how to be strong but compassionate.  I have tried to be an example of a "working woman" who also cares for a home and manages a household.  By working part-time, I have devoted myself to be available to her while showing her that I want to contribute to the work force.  Looking at my resume, however, I wonder if she has seen how dissatisfied her mother has been in her career path (circles still make a path, right?).  It takes a lot to meet my expectations in every aspect of my life - and being a perfectionist certainly doesn't help.  It eats away at me... I am being overtaken by a desire to find a role that fulfills me, utilizes all my experience and expertise, but also sees that I need to have a work-life balance.

People make mistakes.  Women make mistakes.  Mothers definitely make mistakes.  But have I learned from all my errors, all my poor choices.  I feel overpowered by the fear that I don't have much time left to be the mom I have wanted to be.  I am consumed by my own deception that if I could only plan my life better that I would be happy.

No matter what I do, I am sure I will have regrets.  It seems instead of obsessing about the perfect situation, the perfect role, the perfect example, I should look to my teenage daughter on how to just enjoy the moments we have while we have them... She seems quite good at that.  Maybe I am not such a failure after all.