Stages of Marriage

I'm just going to say this: The concept of Marriage is a bit ridiculous.  I have a hard time living with myself everyday.  The idea of living with someone else for the rest of existence is actually pretty profound... let alone expecting someone to live with me for all their days!

Don't get me wrong - I honestly love my husband.  He's a great guy, a strong man and an incredible father.  We have been through a lot of life together... A LOT of life.  We married when we were very young.  When you are in love, you don't want to let it go.  You want it forever, so you commit to, well, forever.

I couldn't imagine wanting to be with anyone else, and I didn't figure anybody could possibly deal with all my baggage and issues, either.  Also, I figured we would both continue to change and grow, and I believed that we could easily support one another as we grew into mature adults.

We knew we would have struggles, but I also know we both had more optimism at the time.  We didn't know that we would still live in the Midwest, that he would not land a job that pays him his creative worth, that I would have such difficulty finding my own role in the world.  We didn't think that having a child would be nearly impossible for me.  We didn't figure on having such large losses so early in life (unborn children and parents passing away).

Most people marry because they are either expected to (family, friends, society) or because it's included on that list of having a "happy, successful life."  It isn't shocking to me that the rate of divorce continually fluctuates around 50%.  Half, people.  Half.  Marriage is hard.  After coordinating weddings for so many years, I literally saw how "the Day" became so much more the focus than the actual RELATIONSHIP.  And once all the excitement, the plans and the sparkling sheen of a "new life" fade, that is when the actual work begins... and it doesn't stop.

No one is perfect, yet sometimes people think that someone else could be a solution to all of their own problems.  Or they love someone, but he or she just needs to improve on "this" or should really do things like "that."  Forget the fact that the other human being is just working on living... forget that he or she might have similar thoughts about the other partner, as well.  It can all build up and giving up can be so easy, maybe even attractive... or "walking away" can seem like the only option for sanity and peace.

The biggest challenge with matrimony is that we are all pushing on every day just to find ourselves, fix ourselves, be content with ourselves.  Social Media shows us how much "happier" others appear.  Society has most of us competing for better homes, better cars, better clothing.  We are all trying to be wealthy, sexy, secure ... and sometimes, you turn and wonder if the one you are married to doesn't share your path and goals anymore.

So how do "long marriages" work?  My guess is the choices every day - that while you aren't the people you were when you said your vows, you are still individuals who care for each other and want to continue in this mad world together.  Every single day.

In this crazy world, it's tough to find someone who understands all that you are enduring, while he or she is dealing with disappointments, challenges and goals, as well.  If you can spend your days with somebody and, through it all, find the ability to laugh and enjoy the changes throughout your relationship, I think that could lead to a "successful" marriage.  Time can only tell.

Disappointment

How drastic do your feelings change for someone when they have hurt you or let you down?

Does it depend on how long you have known the person?  How often they seem to have disregard for you?  If you see him or her often, do you process the hurt feelings differently?  Are you quick to write someone off or do you find yourself giving the culprit chance after chance to make it up to you?

It's been said that there is a very fine line between love and hate.  Easy examples are divorce and break-ups.  Someone you once committed to spend your existence on the planet with becomes your biggest enemy.  And why not?  The people who know us the best are able to truly hit us where it hurts the most.  They know all our vulnerabilities... all our weaknesses.

I know that pain changes me.  I try to gain strength from the hurt, but really I know I just suppress the feelings.  I create distance.  I am unable to deal.   I used to seek other people to fill the void or put additional focus onto projects or activities.  I avoid because the "wrong-doer" no longer cares, and that's too painful for me to accept.

Scars are tougher than skin so as to prevent wounds again.  Calluses develop to eliminate recurring blisters.  But a broken heart can only harden to a cold, hollow space.  We try to mend our hearts, but they are continually fragile, and a piece of mine does not return when I have been deeply hurt.

Humans will always let others down.  We can't help it - it's our nature and no one is available 100%, 24/7.  Most of the time, I like to think I am pretty understanding.  While I know I am "high maintenance," I don't expect more from others that I honestly know I can put forth.

Again in life, I believe there is a balance, but also honesty and care.  When I do let someone down, I hope that I mean enough, that he or she will call me out on it.  If the topic isn't raised, there will be no sense of mending.  However, if the hurt is continual, that is when it turns toxic and letting go is the best option.

My own challenge is forgiveness.  When I am mistreated and there is no apology, I struggle with letting it go and moving on.  I know I take everything far too personally, and I have truly been working on stopping that.  It's difficult to change your feelings, but I don't think it's impossible.

Imperfect Plans with Perfect Results

Being a perfectionist, my planning has gotten the better of me throughout the years.  Being a perfectionist who is also a mother has proven to be quite a challenge.  As they say, "the best laid plans often go astray."

Over the past eight years, however, I have had plenty of opportunities to change my obsession with things running smoothly.  When I closed my business in 2008, I looked at Hope's summer break from school, and using the actual words of "I plan to be spontaneous," we made lists of how we could spend days together.  She was six years old, by the way, but she shared many ideas of what we could do together throughout the summer.

Not every day went well.  I learned to be flexible when plans had to shift due to weather or places we wanted to visit being closed or any other circumstances.

This past weekend, Hope and I went on a trip together to Schaumburg.  We have traveled together as a duo before, but she's a teenager now, and since beginning my new job, I don't get to spend as much time with her.  Our primary purpose was her dance competition, but it was also Mother's Day, so I was hoping for some much-needed bonding time.  So much has changed with our relationship... I have held a few different jobs since she was six years old.  She has changed schools twice.  She is becoming a remarkable young woman who will enter high school this August.  And I am still working on so much with myself.  There are too many days that I wonder how in the world I am supposed to help this beautiful human become a "grown-up" when I still don't know what I want for my life?!

We had a few glitches in our weekend plans, but overall, we had a fantastic time.  I was easily able to shift my perspective and focus on all the good that happened.  She taught me how to take a "Mirror Selfie" and showed me her daily makeup routine.  She instructed me on how to do a "Messy Bun," but I don't think she ever realized just how much more long, beautiful hair she has then her mom!  She actually had me join her in one of her Phhhoto app videos (I am honored!).

We had long discussions, we danced and sang together in the car, we shopped, we got to be poolside.  We laughed... a lot!  It was a terrific break from routine.  And I think she respects who I am trying to be... or maybe she admires that I am still trying, and that's the point.  She's a person - I will never know all of what she thinks or believes, but I feel she would tell me the truth.

The entire "parenting" plan hasn't played out as I envisioned, but I am truly loving who this daughter of mine is becoming.  It's proof that successful planning is actually doing your best... then letting go and just enjoying what happens. 

Now What???

Returning to work "full-time" has meant a lot more than being in my office at 8:00 a.m. every weekday.  While I am not able to physically see my daughter every day after she gets home from school now, it has hit me that in just four years, I probably won't even be able to physically see her every day.

She is going to be moving on to college, eventually a career, and if she wants, she will be a Mother... she has her entire journey ahead of her.

But I don't.  Hope has been my greatest accomplishment.  Yes, owning my own Wedding & Event Planning business was a true joy for me and I did love it.  Developing administrative abilities throughout my office positions from Accenture to Peoria Ballet and now Alpha Media is pretty fulfilling.  I like to be proud of myself as a daughter who has lived a pretty respectable life... Yet my focus for the past seventeen years has been to bring up a fantastic human being.  Granted, I am not "done."  I will be here for her as long as I am on the planet.  It's just that we are coming to a point where there isn't much more I can actually do for her, about who she is.  She has her identity.  It will change a bit, like we all do, but I've tried to help build a strong foundation and that part is over.

So, now what?  Is this that Empty Nest syndrome people talk about?  Of course I am ahead of the game - I am an obsessive Planner.  I am doing my best to enjoy where I am in my life right now, but my nature is always to seek "what's next."  To prepare for whatever moves I need to make, to prepare for the next change.  Clairee's line in Steel Magnolias echoes in my mind: "Well.  I really do love football. But it's hard to parlay that into a reason to live."

It seemed a lot easier to know what I wanted when I was younger.  I am not sure of anything now.  I know I need balance.  I need to be able to have flexibility to continue to be available for my daughter.  I want to continue to exercise, enjoy time with my fabulous friends and dance any moment possible.  I want to make a difference and help the world be a better place. But determining what else I want now and how to get there is proving to be a challenge.

Our Reactions to Change

So much of our experience with change is perception. When we learn of something changing in our life, some of us immediately spring to a "life is over!" mentality. Other times, what seems like something so exciting can end up being a disappointment.

Changes are inevitable. People will move, people will die, new people will enter. Some changes are loss, while others can be a blessing. Either way, it is not the change that we can control, but we can work on our interpretation of it.

I used to have a sort of mental checklist that I used for happiness, as I am confident most people do. College, marriage, buy a home, upgrade the home, expand the family, travel... I am willing to bet, however, no one includes in that list to have their closest friends move, lose a child, have their employer terminate their position. So while we do plan for come changes, others knock us off course because we are unprepared and those changes are not wanted.

Some view me as 'pessimistic,' while I just think of myself as 'realistic.' Bad things happen - let me correct that: things happen which we interpret are "bad" in our opinions. I do not start everyday thinking "oh, no, WHAT will go wrong today?!" Yet I probably do begin every morning ready to troubleshoot any challenges. It has taken time, years actually, to be stuck behind an idiot in Peoria (yes, there are quite a few who don't truly understand the "fast lane" option in traffic), and instead of riding their back bumper and cursing them under my breath, I take a moment to realize that I am behind them for some reason. Too Zen for you? Just try it - at least for a while. Your heart rate will appreciate it, at least.

When you can let go of the "oh, this is horrible!" or "WHY does this always happen to me?!" mentality, it's pretty enlightening to just give that situation to a greater power. Whether you believe that God places everyone everywhere or in the balance of Karma or that life has ups and downs, it can be pretty therapeutic to "let it go" and just live. (With no pesky bill at the end of the session, too, by the way.)

With every change, you have a choice - you can be angry and resistant, and learn that you have no power, or you can look for any good in it and treat it as a new opportunity. If you honestly cannot find any positives about a situation, then at least it is a sign to let go and move on with something else. Life is short and there is much to do.

Big Changes

The past several years have involved some drastic changes in my career path, which has greatly affected my schedule.  I am a definite "creature of habit" and get quite upset if my routine is disturbed.

After closing my own business in 2008, my journey back to the "working world" hasn't been exactly smooth.  I am not blessed to feel I have a "calling" anymore, but I do have skills and experience that I feel compelled to share in order to earn money for some sort of living.

Working part-time was truly perfect for me.  As a mother, I truly valued being able to be home when my daughter ended her school days.  Cleaning the house and running errands during the week, I now view as gifts.  And I really, really loved going to lunch with my friends!

However, when I found myself taking the next step in employment, the job offer that fit my needs the best at this point in my life is a full-time role, Monday - Friday, downtown Peoria.  Major adjustment.  The changes that I have had to make daily (cleaning the house on weekends, putting myself together by 7:30 a.m. every day, unable to be home until almost 5:30 p.m.) have also led to a change in the checking account and some better financial security.

I also made a move from Event Planning into Accounting.  At the end of the work day, I usually don't "take anything with me," and so far, no one has called or texted me when I am out of the office.  Not that I am not committed to my job, but with Events, I was consumed.  Perfection of all events was my life goal.  Any aspect that went wrong, I amplified that it was my fault and there HAD to have been something I could have done to prevent it.
 
So this big change has been a healthy change for me.  I am still assisting Peoria Ballet with their events and able to be a co-Chair of the Hospitality team at my daughter's school.  I can only look forward to where I can take all these skills in the future.