The Only Thing Constant...

So - Friday's entry in my daily meditation book:
     I am a process.  Life is a process.  Alterations are part of the process.

This hits hard right now and I have been reflecting on it a lot.  Moving to North Austin for the high school of our choice (all three of us decided together for different reasons) is not easy for me.  I made my studio in South Central ATX my home.  I loved my commute.  Being in the center of all this city's energy was so amazing... but I didn't accept this job and relocate only for myself.

I have truly learned, however, that the only way I can be the greatest for everyone else is to take measures to make myself the best I can be, and a balance is necessary.  Compromise.  There has to be a solution.  I have stepped up to so many challenges in Texas and actually feel so different now, but a core piece of me is missing (other than my friends and family).

Since moving, I have really missed my fantastic experiences learning CIZE with Mary Maripat Hartman and The Fitness Marshall videos and live concert workouts.  I felt so incredible.  Relocating twice now, I haven't had many evenings free yet to try classes in Austin.  The two I have attended have been great, but now I feel like I have a lot of catching up to do with myself.

Timing classes in Austin is a hurdle - the traffic is never consistent, so I worry about scheduling (and paying) for classes if I am physically unable to get to them on time.  However, I have to make this a priority.  If I don't, I know that I will be consumed but anger, bitterness and regret.

Alterations.  Unlike clothing, with ourselves, these are on-going.  And sometimes, as soon as you find your groove, Karma comes in and shakes things up.  It seems pretty easy to become bitter and blame everyone and everything else for your "bad luck."  But that behavior doesn't make anything better.

Only you can change your own perspective.  I've always known this, but when you are sinking into a pit of despair and frustration, and you feel like you have no "fight" left... it's so difficult to see any chance of hope left.  Those are the testing moments.  The times that challenge your character.  You either quit and sulk, or you rise up and refuse to be brought down.

Obviously, I am not only talking about my need to make time in my schedule for a workout class... but, big or small, the way we spend our time either makes us happy or makes us miserable.  It is up to each of us.  While sometimes, we really are helpless - I cannot magically get a job offer for Chad, nor can I manifest the perfect person to buy our house in Illinois - other challenges give us a chance to examine our own power over situations. 
 
See the process and adjust yourself to the process, when possible.  Make the choice to do what you can, but also be patient and recognize that the right thing is on its way.  I have the choice to redirect my perspective and let go of what I cannot control.  It's difficult, yes, but feeling sorry for yourself doesn't make the situations change in your favor, either.  Finding peace with the things I am not able to fix is the only way to survive.  And the only thing constant is change, so while unhappy, knowing it cannot last forever - something is bound to shift - certainly helps sometimes!

Have You Changed? I Have, and I Will.

It is my last night solo at my ATX studio apartment.  I did this.  I moved alone, to the coolest city.  I started a new job with new lingo, new acronyms, new co-workers.  I have made new friends, met new neighbors, visited new places, have had new experiences.
 
I have stepped into a new segment of my life.  I have changed.  I have developed a full understanding of the "unlearning" of all that you tried to be, that you never actually were - and were never supposed to be.

Unsure of the future, as we all really should be, at least I know I am able to handle unknown challenges.  I can do whatever needs to be done.  Apparently, I always could, I just didn't have to know my capabilities.

As I pack up the belongings I have enjoyed the past 10 weeks, I reflect on my mission of "Cook, Clear & Connect."  It's hard to gauge, but I believe it has been a success.

Chad seems impressed by my creative dishes and seems proud that I ate more than just hummus and queso in my time alone.

Still having a lot of self-doubt and negative thoughts about myself, I truly have become my own friend.  That. Is. Huge.  As with all relationships, I definitely need to keep nurturing and understanding, but I have come to realize that I am a pretty cool individual... most of which was visual to me due to my awesome friendships.  I have some epic people in my life who choose to spend time or chat with me - that means more than anything.  Helps me continue to believe in me.
 
Connect... again, a work in progress.  My spirituality has suffered so many struggles, and I know this will continue.  But looking to gratitude and opportunity makes such an incredible difference.  I no longer pray with my head bowed, but with my chin up, knowing that the Powers that Be are delivering lessons to me.  Whether I like them or not, each hurdle, each road block places me in the place where I am meant to be. I don't have to understand it.  Apparently, I don't need to like it (most the time I don't!)... but while I am only wrong two times per year, I get that I cannot plot out my own journey.  Life isn't meant to be that way.  I can only be an active participant and enjoy the ups and downs, knowing that I am capable of picking myself up and pushing myself forward during all the dark times.

Phase II of Moving to Austin -Adjustments Continue

This week, I leave my cool, little studio in South Austin.  We move my few items to the North for Hope to attend a high school that offers amazing pre-college courses in addition to her needed Literature, Orchestra and Drill Team (Dance Team) electives.
Most of me doesn't want to leave.  Besides enjoying a kick-ass commute and being able to walk to so many incredible places, I truly have enjoyed my time living here.
The neighbors have been terrific.  The laundry facilities literally right next door to me have been truly appreciated.  The security has been appreciated.  The palm tree... the word LOVE doesn't even describe.
Like my house in Peoria, I need to focus on what is yet to come rather than what I am leaving behind.
Pros and cons exist with every situation- and this is just another.  Even without a family, I know that this studio apartment wouldn't be my "dream home."  I don't ever want to own another 3-bedroom home, but I know this isn't my end-all, be-all address either.
The truth is - I don't know what I want. 
That used to frighten me.  Now, it empowers me.  I actually like not knowing what I want.  Yet - I love knowing what I do not want.
Confused yet??
I am in love with the possibilities.  And our world is full of them.  If we can just take a teensy step out of "comfort," we are introduced to such an incredible world.  And when fear hits us, which that bitch always will - that is our test.  Either we retract and "go home."  Or we find our courage and step up to the challenge.
I love living in Austin.  I miss my friends and my loves more than anything.  I have relationships in Central Illinois that will never be replaced.  Honestly, I don't want replacements.  I will carry that love and happiness with me for as long as I exist.  But I am enamored with the energy and the people of this city and state who I have been blessed to meet already.  -It's only been two months!
While the next move is a bit "uncomfortable," I am already prepared that nothing is permanent... especially with a 10-month lease!