Reframe

This afternoon, I had an unexpected phone call from my doctor's office... which started conversations about my own perspective of my life.  

For those of you playing from home, yes, I got divorced last year, and yes, I am in a new relationship now... and I am working from home and still leading dance fitness classes and am living in my own little "empty nest." To say the past year has brought some change would not even begin to scratch the surface. 

I have endured loss, sadness and rejection,  but I have also enjoyed excitement, joy and possibilities.  Choosing to focus on what could be and having faith isn't always easy, especially when you spend long evenings with negative self-talk. It takes effort to pull that inner voice forward, hear it, respect it and tell it to shut the hell up. 

One of my greatest struggles has been Food. I have not been very inspired to cook for myself and I have let my lack of self care neglect my nutrition.  However, today's discussions with the doctor's office, my daughter and my boyfriend each reminded me of something important. When I started my new chapters in Austin, I was eager to cook for myself... because I could, not because I "had to." 

So I am shifting back, reframing, if you will, to my Cook, Clear and Connect. Food brings so much joy in life, and we all deserve to create that for ourselves- whether we have anyone to share it with or not. Regardless of my eating solo or with those I care about, nourishment keeps me alive and well... and that's the main requirement to #keepgoing. And my existence IS important to some people. I'm not done yet. 

Hope is 18

We all say "time flies," but I am honestly in shock that my darling little baby is now considered a legal adult. It truly does not feel like it has been eighteen years since she blessed my life. How did that pass so quickly?
  
I remember talking with the stupendously talented Erich Yetter at Peoria Ballet Company when I first started this blog... he asked about my posts, and we touched on all the "choices and changes" we see and share as parents - in them, in us, and in one another. 
 
This past week in particular, it has all flashed before my eyes randomly. Her preschool years, Charter Oak, moving to Dunlap where she joined Wilder-Waite, middle school at DMS, entering high school... the move to Austin is still surreal. Like you were watching a TV series and that last season, they're like "surprise! That whole thing was a dream!" And you're like wth??!? What do I do with THAT?!

But it's more than reflecting on her childhood or having random memories pop up unexpected. I think living 1,000 miles away it also amplifies the people I thought would always be part of her/our life. Some disappeared almost immediately. Others have slowly faded. A select few have kept in touch. Life is so strange.

I'm not sure if it makes me sad that Hope has faced these realities before departing for college or if I'm glad that she is aware this happens... I think a bit of both. She still has so many decisions ahead of her and as her "mom," I am doing my best to let her figure out her own path while also voicing concerns and caution. Mistakes are lessons as long as we learn from them and if we don't repeat or continue going in the wrong direction because it feels more comfortable.

Massive changes lie ahead. While she is still deciding, waiting and contemplating, I have decided to be strive to be happy hanging out in limbo. While I am programmed to be a Type A planner, my move to Texas has definitely shown me, sometimes in not so pleasant and blunt ways, life will never go as I expect.  If anything, I hope that my daughter, witnessing my struggles, failures, triumphs, surprises and lessons, will be more equipped to not only handle what lies in store for her, but that she will face it all with the confidence and security that we all deserve.

I am so beyond proud of her. While she will always be my "four-pound baby," she has grown into such an impressive, intelligent, caring woman. I am truly blessed that I have been able to witness it.

Changes with Others

I have spent a lot of time, and I'm sure wasted too much energy, analyzing "why" I am here in Austin. I would like to believe that I could have found locations for my dance fitness classes in Peoria... it certainly should have been a lot easier given my established relationships. Could have been.  Nothing is guaranteed.

With every non-reply and every "our schedule is full" and every "pay us this much" response, I am all the more grateful for teaching at the State Employee offices.  While I still struggle to get space in the rooms there, the support of my participants overwhelms me.

Just in the past month, I have not only had the joy of their participation, but I also received three gifts... a sweet pencil that says "Shine Today," an inspirational calendar that is actually making me excited for January! and a traditional Chinese Mooncake.  All three tokens of appreciation brought me tears of joy and heartfelt surprise.  The Mooncake, however, stood out.  It is named after the Moon Goddess "Chang'e" and symbolizes a spiritual feeling.  'To share this expresses love and best wishes,' and to receive it from Yanmei means a lot to me.  She is one of my dedicated supporters who I have been SO very blessed to watch come out of her shell and gain confidence - and she says she feels stronger.  Having her hand this to me... telling me how much my classes mean to her... I truly can't express the impact it has had on me. 

I hate being insecure.  My self-doubt borders on destroying me every damn day.  If I can do one small thing and empower any other woman to not feel this dark feeling of being unworthy, I should know that that is success.  In my mind, I know I am making a difference.  I'm not changing the world, but if I can improve the world for a handful of others, that is priceless.  And it's more than I ever thought I could do.

With one of my inspirations retiring this month, I am hoping to gain more opportunities to encourage others. In addition to dance fitness, if... no, WHEN I obtain the Group Fitness Instructor certification, with the help of my new friend Charlotte, I hope to add the toning class of Total Body Conditioning.

These ladies have more drive to exercise than any group I have ever known.  Their dedication and energy is impressive, but I love most that they are supportive of one another.  When I worked to become certified with SHiNE, I had hoped to get to know some of them and get them out of their comfort zones a bit and let loose.  I did not consider the bonds and connections we would make and continue to develop.

I always loved the term "fitfam," but besides my soul sister, Marypat/MP!!!, I had not experienced it.  Now, in our classes, my heart swells when I see them rock my new dance steps and listen to their feedback.  Receiving gifts from them touches me so deeply. I hoped to instill confidence; I am blown away to make an impact. To be thought of outside our classes is the greatest compliment.

My research reflected that the Mooncake is not just a food, it's a profound cultural tradition deep in Chinese people's hearts, symbolizing a spiritual feeling.  Honestly, that is what I want in dance.  It isn't just movement. Dancing for me is a freedom of everything... Why I do it all the time, as much and as often as I can.  If I can lead others to hold more confidence, then Mister DJ, please, play on.

Mooncake Credit: https://www.chinahighlights.com/festivals/mooncake.htm

One Year Later...

A full year has passed since I moved to Austin, Texas.  When I reflect on all I have learned so far, it is astonishing.  I have suffered many disappointments, but I have enjoyed more personal triumphs, and overall, it has been good.

In twelve months, I have been blessed to make some terrific new friends and great business connections... I have continually pushed myself out of my comfort zone and not only learned my way around South Austin, I then adjusted to living just Northwest of the city.  Seriously - the different format of frontage roads and U-turns under all the highways, it really feels like mastering a totally new way of driving.

My new little car... she is so fun. I am sad that I no longer have a vehicle to pass to my daughter, but all things happen for a reason... and it saves me additional drivers insurance anyway.   #brightside

Speaking of, Hope has handled her transition Like A Boss.  I am continually amazed and impressed by her resilience and strength.  I didn't want this to happen to her.  As much as I yearned to move to a warmer climate and a more progressive city, I had no desire to move her from her high school.  When the opportunity was presented, however, there were too many reasons for me to leave Peoria.  What I love most is that Hope recognizes them all and appreciates them.  She is learning to not only cope with disappointments, but she finds the positives of the situations.  That took me far longer to develop, and I'm still working on it!

While I have times of sorrow missing my loves and friends in Illinois, I hold them in my heart, and I know that I will see them again.  The strong connections will always remain no matter how far the distance.  I've received so many supportive messages that when I do feel all alone in this huge, exciting city, the words spoken and sent to me give me comfort.

My goals have altered as well.  One year ago, I wanted to connect to my true self while learning a new employment position in a government role.  Six months ago, I achieved certification as a Dance Fitness Instructor and am now studying for Group Fitness Instructor with AFAA.  I am continually trying new things and having a really great experience.

No one really knows where their path will lead, but I am still enjoying my journey.  My new mantra has solidly become "When nothing is certain, anything is possible." (-Mandy Hale)

Perspective.  Positivity.  Peace.

The Dragonfly - Who Knew?

Growing up in the Midwest, I never really paid attention to dragonflies.  Once I knew they wouldn't sting you like wasps, bees and hornets (ouch!), I just saw them and knew I didn't have to feel fear.

Recently in Texas, hanging out with a friend at her pool, a dragonfly landed on me, and she told me it was "good luck."  Laughing, I said that I could use a lot more dragonflies then!  It did return a couple of times, landing on me now and again, and I thanked the little beauty... just in case it was actually trying to provide me some good vibes.

Two days later, at our apartment pool, three different dragonflies kept landing on me - the funniest was a blue on my nose... and yes, one decided to rest on my butt for a bit!  Thinking of what Angie suggested about "luck," I referred to Google for some information.

Of course there is no way to know - every interaction is based on your own perception - but after reading that they carry "wisdom of transformation and adaptability in life," I feel that these little creatures are trying to remind me of my goals.  To Clear my head and get rid of all the baggage that no longer serves me; to Connect spiritually to God and nature and all the Powers That Be; to Continue to grow and develop and flourish as the best person I can be.  To not give up.  Keep looking inward for clarity and know that I am glorious and loving and encouraging.  Success is my own measure, and I have so many blessings.

My journey is nowhere close to being complete - besides, what would I do if it were?  Relax?  Not likely.  But perhaps these aerial beings are coming to me to alert me to lighten up.

I'd like to believe they are sharing the following with me:  Problems aren't generally solved quickly - especially the big ones.  True solutions take time.  Patience is a gift and needs to be practiced to be performed well.  Stay light and adaptable, like the dragonflies, and ride on the winds of life.  You'll arrive where you are meant to be, and you'll know when you get there.   "Stay open to the enfoldment of your personal journey."  I like it... maybe I need another tattoo.

My Google reading sources:
http://www.spiritanimal.info/dragonfly-spirit-animal/
https://themoonlightshop.com/blogs/news/17224984-dragonflies-and-you

Why We Continue: Seek the Benefits

I didn't move from Peoria because I was unhappy.  I adore my friends, I enjoyed my job, I loved being a "Dunlap Mom," I appreciated networking with the Peoria Chamber of Commerce, I was so excited to perform for The Peoria Ballet.  I sought to relocate to Austin for my husband to find work and provide my daughter more opportunities for her future.


And now, almost five months after leaving everyone I love, here we are in Texas.  My husband still is not employed, and my daughter isn't allowed to audition for the high school dance team until next November due to their strange policies.  Too often, I question what I have done.
 

There are still benefits from the major changes, though.  I have learned so much about myself.  Regardless of the set backs I suffered and the always-present self-doubt, I have succeeded over so many challenges that I have surprised myself.  Being new to the city, I have already met some incredible people and started some terrific friendships.  In a new position, I have slowly learned more about law, legal aid, hurricane disasters and Texans than I thought possible.


Thanks to social media, I am able to keep in touch with my friends and get to know new ones.  I have joined a private group of women all new to Austin, which is helpful to not feel alone in the transition.  Making such a huge change in your life is frightening and intimidating... but giving up and retreating home is terrifying to me in an entirely different way.  Growing and changing isn't easy.  If it were simple, anyone could do it at any time.


I don't have many regrets in my life.  Most are actually things I didn't have the courage to do.  And I don't regret moving to Austin.  Everyone has doubts, and as long as a lesson is presented, learning is a gift, which can sometimes be painful.  I am not one to give up - like, ever.  I move on, but I don't give up.  Not only am I continuously encouraged by some very dear friends (y'all know who you are!), but I am also getting motivated to achieve some new goals in the new year. 

It's a struggle - some days are a lot more difficult than others, but I am getting seriously inspired by all that is possible in 2018 and on!  "That which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger!" 

Final Changes

I am now officially a Texan.  I no longer have an address in Illinois.  My car has TX license plates, and I received my new Driver License in the mail this week at my newest Austin address.

Finality.  An irreversible ending.  There really is no going back.

When I think about all that has happened over the past three and a half months, I am overwhelmed.  In just fifteen weeks, I have enjoyed and suffered so much change.  From living in a house, moving into a studio, being forced to buy a new car, and settling in a two-bedroom apartment, I have learned new tasks at a new job and been able to meet pretty cool people.  Visiting so many places, I have experienced amazing food, fantastic drinks and interesting conversations with people.  A few fun nights dancing.  A hurricane weekend.  And I have been drained of so much money.  So. Much. Money.

But all of life comes with a cost, right?  Spend money to make money.  You can't take it with you.  Life is a journey - or a roller coaster... or a journey on a roller coaster.  We have all these quotes and philosophy, and when real shit happens - when you sell your home of over eight years: where you pictured your daughter graduating high school, the place where you celebrated so many awesome times with friends, yet a place of disappointments, loss and despair - it makes you think.

Where am I supposed to be?  What the hell am I supposed to be doing?  Am I happy?  Will I be happy?  What exactly IS happy?

I will continue to miss my hometown, my friends, my family, and my life.  At least, the life I had and where I thought I could go.  In August, I left all of it behind for new opportunities, lessons and adventures.  It has not been easy.  "Marni's Shit Show" entries were just highlights - no one was in it with me every single day.  I was alone.  Surviving with the goal of thriving, I am proud that I made it through everything.

Every day, I have had lessons to learn and re-learn when necessary.  Every week, I assessed the pros and cons of my accomplishments.  Every moment, I have been aware of my capabilities and my independence.  And I coached myself to push and get through it all.

So, with the completion of the sale of a house on Orchard Lane in Peoria, I am sad, but ready for the next phase(s).  I honestly have no idea what is in store in 2018, let alone the next few years, but I do know, 100%, that I can take life's challenges and I will come out on top.  If perspective has taught me anything, at least I'll be in a pretty good head-space.  I hope y'all will be there with me to laugh at the ridiculousness of my path and to toast to all the hurdles I have cleared.  Love to you all.

Phase II of Moving to Austin -Adjustments Continue

This week, I leave my cool, little studio in South Austin.  We move my few items to the North for Hope to attend a high school that offers amazing pre-college courses in addition to her needed Literature, Orchestra and Drill Team (Dance Team) electives.
Most of me doesn't want to leave.  Besides enjoying a kick-ass commute and being able to walk to so many incredible places, I truly have enjoyed my time living here.
The neighbors have been terrific.  The laundry facilities literally right next door to me have been truly appreciated.  The security has been appreciated.  The palm tree... the word LOVE doesn't even describe.
Like my house in Peoria, I need to focus on what is yet to come rather than what I am leaving behind.
Pros and cons exist with every situation- and this is just another.  Even without a family, I know that this studio apartment wouldn't be my "dream home."  I don't ever want to own another 3-bedroom home, but I know this isn't my end-all, be-all address either.
The truth is - I don't know what I want. 
That used to frighten me.  Now, it empowers me.  I actually like not knowing what I want.  Yet - I love knowing what I do not want.
Confused yet??
I am in love with the possibilities.  And our world is full of them.  If we can just take a teensy step out of "comfort," we are introduced to such an incredible world.  And when fear hits us, which that bitch always will - that is our test.  Either we retract and "go home."  Or we find our courage and step up to the challenge.
I love living in Austin.  I miss my friends and my loves more than anything.  I have relationships in Central Illinois that will never be replaced.  Honestly, I don't want replacements.  I will carry that love and happiness with me for as long as I exist.  But I am enamored with the energy and the people of this city and state who I have been blessed to meet already.  -It's only been two months!
While the next move is a bit "uncomfortable," I am already prepared that nothing is permanent... especially with a 10-month lease! 

Relationship Changes in Yourself

As my life has changed and my journey adjusted, I have constantly found frustration that I don't feel like I "know myself."  Recently, it occurred to me that maybe I don't have to know myself -maybe the point instead is being patient and learning about myself.

With friends, we don't know everything about them right away, it takes time for the relationship to develop and grow.  Sometimes years; other times, souls click quickly.  But as humans, we should want to continue to evolve... and at times, that can change your relationships in good ways or bad.

Thinking of myself as my own friend seems very odd.  I've read many (probably too many) inspirational, motivational and "self-help" books, but I don't feel like the messages sink in and take hold.  The big messages of loving yourself before you can love anyone else... I have just skirted through life ignoring all that.

But now, as I embark on a challenge of living alone after all these years, establishing myself in a town totally new to me and a career in a completely different realm, I am interested to learn about myself.  Find my soul and attempt a healing process.

I will be conducting my own personal take on "Eat, Pray, Love" and "Under the Tuscan Sun" during my solo time in Texas.  My mission will not mimic the paths of these amazing authors.  Instead, I am inspired by their discoveries. Once the page is ready, titled "Cook, Clear & Connect," I will share it so that you may Follow it, if you are interested.

In the meantime, please comment below or on Facebook what you have learned about yourself and any challenges that have led to your growth and change.

Taking the First Step

I have worked hard to make a good life for myself in Peoria.  For a small town girl who had no desire to stay, I have come far. 
For all my accomplishments, I am proud, but I do hold sorrow that things for me rarely went as I planned, as I had hoped.

My excitement of the future, sadness in leaving, and fear of the unknown have me currently feeling quite insane.

It is so easy to stay.  Obviously, comfort zones are just that: comfort.  It takes courage to step out, to do something or things that maybe you never thought you could.  So many people stick to the mundane - It is simple to blame others and complain versus taking a risk.
 
One of my favorite quotes by Eleanor Roosevelt is 'You must do the thing you think you cannot do.' 

How else do we grow?  How else will you ever know what you can achieve and who you can truly be?

I held on to doubts for far too long based on judgements that were made on me, not by me.  Based on disbeliefs I was somehow taught, rather than those I have developed.

If in my own journey, I can rise above and believe in myself and in the power of opportunities,  I truly hope I can inspire you to do the same.

Reject the easy path. Say 'no' to the known and climb into the adventure instead.  No matter what, you will learn, change and grow from the experience.

Step one...

Schedule Change

A new school year begins for my daughter this week. Fourth grade. We all wonder, "Where did the time go?" We should, however, be asking ourselves, "Have we been spending our time wisely?"

Far too often I hear people say "I just don't have time." Yes, you do. Honestly, time is all that we do have. It's all about how we spend it, and yes, how we choose to spend it.

Are you wasting your time? If you find yourself complaining about being "too busy" - perhaps it's time to implement change. If you don't think you have any control, then you need to realize that you do have a choice and embrace it.

Most of us with full calendars are overwhelmed because we have difficulty saying that small-but-seemingly-huge word NO. We need to be honest that we cannot do it all. Even if we want to. There is no weakness to admitting that we can't be there for everyone or manage every aspect. Weakness is shown, however, when we run behind or forget something because we are in fact too weak to say no.

The past few weeks, I have let myself worry and lose sleep trying to make all Hope's activities this Fall work together... to fit into a schedule. Reality check: I can't. Classes, practices, rehearsals are all out of my control. It makes me sad that Hope will have to say "no" to a couple of her favorite things this school year. Yet, I also realize this will give her training and knowledge that she can't "do it all" either.

Eventually, we are forced to say no at some point. We then need to make sure we decline the appropriate things so that we can stay true to ourselves. "Do what you like, like what you do" (Live is good motto: www.lifeisgood.com). Life with less regrets. It is our time, and "should have, could have" is a waste of it.

Change your schedule - change that automatic reaction of over-committing and trying to please everyone but yourself. When you do that, you can change from being "too busy" to simply already having plans... which is a far better feeling and much more positive attitude.

I'm looking at this week, looking toward my family's new school-year schedule. While it's not set yet, I know that changes will pop up that I cannot control. It's okay - I can make adjustments that work for me and work for us. I do not have to do it all - but I can choose the possibilities and do what I can.

A Lot Can Happen in a Year...

April 30 will mark the anniversary of Chad losing his full-time job. This past year has been full of new challenges.

Trying to be optimistic, I am attempting to focus on surpassing all the new changes. Good and bad, a lot has happened in the past year. Special people have passed away; babies have been born; seasons have come and gone... but ultimately, some very core things for me are just, well - different.

Friends have disappointed me, surprisingly so. Employers have disrespected me, but honestly, I probably should have expected. But in the sadness, some people have surfaced in my life bringing me new-found hope. Some relationships have strengthened, giving me encouragement and joy.

Resistance to change is what frustrates us. When we can focus our energy on the positive improvements, we can have faith that all things happen for a reason and that everything really will be okay. I am still adjusting - not having steady, predictable income to pay bills and save for big-ticket items or vacations does drive me insane. However, fighting it doesn't help. So, I continue to reflect on all the terrific things that have occurred in the past twelve months and trust in the future.

That in itself helps me look forward to the next twelve months... and on. There will be more difficulties, but there will also be more celebrations. Soaking up the fun moments helps us all get through the complicated times.

Change of Employment

Whether you lose a job, quit, get downsized, relocate... changing jobs is challenging.

My husband lost his full-time employment because his company needed to save money and could not afford to keep the Creative Department staffed. I lost my job because I worked too hard to save my company money.

Whatever the reason you lose or leave a job, it gives you something money cannot buy: reflection. It's a perfect time to evaluate your role, your goals, your motivation... and look to your next step.

I do believe that all things happen for a reason. Also, as long as I learn from the experience, what happens cannot be a mistake. The key is learning from it. Some lessons teach you right away, while others can take months or years. (For example, I still don't have a full understanding of why our move to Chicago did not succeed.)

For my recent job, I knew it wasn't perfect for me. I knew I wanted more... I hesitated on it for months. It appeared to be a good opportunity, and I thought I could make a difference. I was encouraged by someone I admire and took a chance.

I have already realized things I have learned from this, and I know I have a few more revelations about it that are still pending. Holding true to myself, I am praying that it helps me grow and move on to a place where I can flourish. A place where I will undoubtedly learn new lessons, and hopefully not have to repeat others.

Life is a journey, not a destination... and sometimes we have to change our direction.

Changes in Routine

Some of us rely on routines. Schedules of a day help structure and guide our expectations. Others are better with flexibility and spontaneous activity. Though I admire the abilities of the latter, I am of the first group.

Chad lost his full-time employment approximately one month before Summer Vacation. It is mid-July and my "routine" has still not found ground. I cut back my work hours to balance being a Mom and responsible employee (before Chad's loss of employment)... but with work schedules changing and some questionable Central Illinois weather, that has been easier said than done!

Adjusting to new schedules can be stressful, can seem crazy - but as long as I know what is expected, I find the shift far easier.

Things are not always foreseen - and that is the true life lesson of it all. How to just roll with things though they may not coincide with your plan. I'm trying to have patience and hold on to hope for our situation. This certainly is not the first time we have hit a challenging portion of life. And it will not be the last.

As my favorite author states "A Lesson is Repeated Until Learned." Life is, after all, continual learning.

Spare Change?

I love this phrase - it reminds me of being in England. I wanted to give all our travel money to the homeless. They were so polite and proper in their, "Spare Change, Sir?" requests. Before our trip, I was informed by a friend not to give change to these people. I wast told the UK government provides a lot to them, so I should not feel guilty not contributing my own finances. It's a bittersweet blend of memories... and fyi, I didn't always take my friend's advice. My heart won, over my head, at times.

So - how does one decide where to put "spare change?" Of course, you can always horde it all yourself. Bulk up for that big, fat savings and hope that by the time you retire (people still do that, right?), you'll not have a care in the world.

But is that rewarding? Does that ultimately make you feel good? Is that "what Jesus would do?" I don't think so.

I wish I had far more money - not only because it would be nice to drive a car that I actually like, but because I feel there are so many good causes that need financial help. And even more seem in need in this economy.

Admittedly, I am a bit stressed by the requests for donations that Hope brings home from her school. It seems each week we are being asked to support something. We can't do it all.

I have to pick the causes that I believe in. Whole-heartedly. And I give as much as we can. A challenge is when I am giving to a cause that others don't support - and they say so. That's tough. Granted, we are all human and we obviously aren't going to all agree. But I take offense to someone responding with "I don't 'do' that" when it regards breast cancer... as much as "We ain't doing that" when it comes to supporting the not-for-profit local ballet company in Peoria.

You are welcome to disagree - but don't be snobby about it... and for the Lord's sake, use proper grammar! As, it WILL affect where else I spend my spare change. Like the above treatment from Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory: I will now go directly to Fannie May Candies or pick up more Ghirardelli bars at the grocery store when in a pinch for chocolate. Chad and I have already begun planning how to create our own caramel apples this Fall, too!

What do you believe in? And what do you do to show for it? Money is the obvious way, but for those with restricted funds, go DO something. Collect others' change and donate it physically. Take extra food to a shelter when something you buy is on sale at the store. Donate items to Goodwill - don't just pitch the shoes in the trash if they are still wearable.

By actions, you inflict CHANGE. Good or bad. By donating, you encourage CHANGE... so do it for a good cause. Every coin counts as much as the way that you present it.

Changing a Path

Give a child the world, and he will grab it with both hands, right?

If two babies are born at the same time - but one has wealthy parents while the other is poor - which one will be successful in life? Of course, that depends a lot on how you view "success." Logic would lead you to believe that money buys what is needed for success... but money can't pay for success any more than it can solely purchase stability, class or happiness. Sure, it makes things easier - how could it not? But does an easy life guarantee a successful path?

Do the expensive exercise plans always lead to success? If two people start the same diet plan, regardless of cost, do they both stick with it?

The difference is motivation. One would guess that motivated adults typically bring up motivated children. Not always true. Motivation is something that has to come from within. Rich or poor, one has to want something so much to do what it takes every day to make it happen.

The best teachers, bosses and even friends have a natural way to encourage others to be or to do their best. I love people like that. Sadly, I am not one of them, but I try to surround myself with them in hopes of learning.

Different things motivate everyone. But you can't influence someone who refuses - sometimes that can backfire. Several people I care about are dealing with family members who are not performing at their best. You can't change someone else - you can only change how you react and respond.

I have an eight-year-old daughter. I have (hopefully) barely lived half my life here on Earth. I do not have life's answers, but I have learned "how not to be" as much as I have from good examples of what I strive to be. The majority of my opinions and thoughts are based upon my own experiences. Parents are supposed to be teachers, not servants, not assistants and not crutches. The job of a parent is to prepare children for life. Real life. Joys as well as disappointments; triumphs as much as challenges.

Bailing out others and enabling them to continue to fail doesn't work. If there is no fear of consequences, behavior won't change. Telling someone she will never succeed doesn't work either - that just lays the path for failure most times. I try to find balance but keep in mind that everyone is different. I've learned the major key, as well, is following through. Too many parents and too many people threaten something, and then cave and don't do it.

Guiding is hard. Guiding is work. But guiding is rewarding. What guides you? What can you do to guide others? And are you guiding them to the right places the right way? Can they change their own path? Can they find their own motivation? What can you do about it... or what do you need to leave alone?

I think of toddlers learning to walk. They stumble, they fall, they -of course- walk to the things they aren't supposed to. But you can't catch them every time. And you can only redirect them so many times before you must let them learn on their own. Motivate and encourage from the sidelines and hope that they find it in themselves.

Changing Your Habits

New Year's Day is arriving. The day recognized to alter habits. New goals and new challenges for a new year.

Tell me I "should" do something, I will immediately not want to do it. Telling myself not to do something, makes it so much more attractive. I don't diet. That is disaster waiting to happen in my opinion and my experience.

Instead, I try to replace bad habits with healthier options. I find that gradual change is an easier change for me. Someone once said to me that "if you do something three times in a row, it can become habit." The trick is doing (or not doing) something so that it becomes automatic. Dictionary.com defines "habit" as just that: an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary.

Prime example: the week of Halloween, I decided that I need to drink less in alcoholic beverages. It's not that I am dependent upon drinking to get through my days or nights... it is just a goal I set and something I wanted to do. I just drink more water and drinking more of something else fills your time (and your tummy). The next thing I knew, I was drinking less wine.

It also makes my fun drinks more rewarding. I appreciate it more. It could even be "reverse-psychology" because I did say to myself that if I can't cut down, I should probably cut it out completely.

As far as foods go, I have found if the fattening foods and sweets aren't in the house, it's far more challenging to eat them! It doesn't mean that I never eat them - especially at THIS time of the year! But Chad and I have found that moderation is the key. Again, with MY personality, if I told myself I would never enjoy chocolate chip cookies or garlic smashed potatoes again, I would specifically desire the two!

So as 2010 approaches, I of course need new goals for myself. It's helpful, too, to look back at what one has accomplished in the past year. It can be encouraging and useful for redirecting in the new year.

Don't be one of those people who say "I'm going to drop 20 pounds this year!!" Make your goals more realistic. If it works for you, you can make it a changing question. Instead you could ask "How can I lose two pounds this month?" "I'll eat salad for lunch twice a week this month." That way if you don't meet your goal the first month, you can either adjust your expectations for the next month or tighten your goal. If your personality suits it, do your challenges each week instead. The logic is, if you can eat a healthy alternative twice a week, increase it to three times a week, etc. In looking at it this way, you also aren't suffering or "starving."

I agree with my friend Amy, who states she doesn't make "resolutions." I prefer to hold them as goals. I don't "resolve" to do anything in the next twelve months, but I will have personal goals and rewards for myself. The improvements (we hope) are in the process of the change. That is, after all, the point.

My personal list isn't finished yet for "Twenty-Ten." I know I want to continue my food-and-beverage plan. I want to increase my running distance. I need to cross-train with another activity. I want to be a great wife and companion to Chad. I want to be a good parent to a marvelous little girl who is turning 8 years old. I will continue to strive to be a reliable and fun friend. I want to participate more in community events and support more local talents. My biggest improvement goal will be in employment. I am working to fine-tune my position and define the areas where I can provide the best use of my talents and abilities.

New Year. New milestones. New achievements. Change is good.
Cheers!!

Change the Menu

I am very thankful... and I love Thanksgiving.

My husband loves to cook, and he is amazing at doing so! Thanksgiving is our holiday of comfort food, spending family time together and - of course - the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade!

Thanksgiving used to be hectic. We would rush from my family's dinner to Chad's family's dinner. We had no time to relax and catch up, and frankly, it was pretty exhausting.

I'm not judging anyone who currently goes through this schedule on Thanksgiving... unfortunately, it's become quite "normal" for the holiday. And some of my friends even enjoy the hustle, bustle and rush.

Growing up, Thanksgiving dinners included turkey, mashed potatoes, and naturally, green bean casserole. However, as I grew older and enjoyed more interesting side dishes, I began to wonder why sometimes people fall into habits of the menu. Do they get lazy? Are they afraid to try something new? Would it destroy the timeline to have everything on the table at once? Do they enjoy cooking or has it become just a labor that they do?

Since there are three of us, we don't have to buy the "big bird." Chad buys a turkey breast, de-bones it (I swear, I am also thankful I did not grow up on a farm!) and stuffs it. The favourites are smoked gouda, proscuitto and asparagus. Honestly, I don't know what any of our grandmothers think about this. My maternal grandma ate it with us one Thanksgiving and did say that it was good... but I know our families think we're a little "fancy" with food sometimes.

So here's the thing - I challenge any Thanksgiving hosts/hostesses out there to try something new this holiday. I'm not saying to alter your entire feast menu - but just one new side dish. It helps you celebrate thankfulness and fun for the holiday. And if it doesn't turn out to be a hit, pitch it and grab a can or two of green beans.

Don't get to cook for the dinner? Bring a new dessert... or shake things up with a cocktail or bottle of wine.

Thanksgiving is about fun and family. How can you change your "menu" and enjoy celebrating all that we have with those that you love?

Change of Address

We moved six months ago. A new address, a new house, huge change.

From birth until I was thirteen years old, I changed street addresses only once. For the following twenty years, however, I changed twelve times… and I am not counting the three months of living with friends in Chicago. Now I am at home address number fifteen.

Changing an address isn’t easy. While I know many more people, my husband included, who have moved far more frequently, I contemplate what it does to one’s stability and security to move often. What are the differences of those who move often and those who have lived in the same house for over forty years?

When we moved in March, we heard that the average time one spends at an address was about seven years. Whatever the reason, people change houses frequently. For a country so skeptical of change, Americans certainly make that major change quite often: their home address.

Personally, this move has been a major feat for me – and still is. I have dreams that we still live in our other house. Or I dream that we are still house-hunting. We had planned to move in a few years, but we felt grounded and established where we were. We had achieved goals and were riding along great at that point. While our previous house was not my ideal home, I miss it. I miss who I was when we lived there.

Not that moving changes your complete persona. You are still who you “are.” Yet it does modify things about day-to-day life. In this instance, my job was even impacted. Expectations and schedules are directly affected by moving. You have to get to know a house and its quirks. You eventually feel that it is home. The differences of the words house and home intrigue me.

The "house" address is just simply a postal location, so that you can receive packages and bills. But think about the reactions you get or give about an address… positive, negative, stereotypical. So many people link identity with a neighborhood. Where you live says something about you, doesn’t it?

A "home" is where you look forward to going at the end of your day. It is a place where you feel safe and where you are comfortable. It takes me a long time to feel safe and comfortable. Is it that the “right” personalities adjust quickly to moving… or is that personality trait formed by how much one moved as he grew up? Because of my resistance to change when I was young, does it make me take more time to adjust to my new house? Or is it because there is so much about this house that requires change (and work!) that my excitement and comfort are restricted? (I tend to sway toward the latter explanation.)

House or home, an address is temporary. You won’t live there forever… you can’t live there forever. Fewer and fewer people buy a house, make it a home and stay there long enough to even have a grandchild visit. Some down-size. Some have to move to a one-story layout or to a retirement home.

Six months. I don’t know if I should have adjusted by now. The house, my identity… I wonder if I’ll have any of it figured out, or if I’ll be any more comfortable, before we change addresses again.

Circles of Change

Our good friends Mike & Stacey are having a baby. Today.

Their life is going to change dramatically within hours. As soon as he is born, their attention changes to his needs and making sure that the little guy is doing okay. Happy, healthy. The people they will begin to see as he grows will change, also. Play groups, PreSchool, any sports or activities... they will meet new people and develop new friendships with others that share their new phase of life.

Our lives are affected by the people that we care about and need our attention. As life progresses and we change our interests and activities, the people involved shift and move.

Some personalities just grow apart. Some people can seem to become more "difficult" to be around, straining the relationship. Some people get busy and forget to call. Some have been hurt before and it's hard for them to open up to new friendships.

As I reflect on our life right now, I am saddened that there are friends who I have lost touch with. Yet, I am so grateful for those who have entered my sphere of influence. I have friends with four kids and friends who have chosen to not have children. I love and appreciate them for who they are, and they give me different perspectives that I can value.

There is a brilliant quote that I once read that stated the Good Friends have enough in common to bring them together, but enough differences to learn from one another. (I wish I could find it and state it word-for-word, but you get the idea.)

In a world where religions and politics force people to argue, I wish that more people could learn from their differences with others, rather than fear them or get so angry. I hope to continue my circles of friends growing and changing because it shows that I am continuing to grow and change.

I also hope sincerely that my friends who I do not get to see often or those who I mean to phone but get bogged down by life (and my horrible tower connection in this house!) know that I really adore them and think of them often.

They say that your life can "flash" before your eyes... and I smile about all the faces I will get to see in my mind when that happens. It doesn't make me less sad to lose touch with a friend - but I do gain satisfaction that we have at least had the opportunity to share pieces of our lives together, no matter how brief.