Years of Change...

The year 2020... so much for the visions of flying cars and teleporting. This particular calendar year provided more challenges, grief and frustration for the world than any other that I can recall in my somewhat-short lifetime.

My daughter finished her high school career taking her courses on-line. Those of us able to continue our jobs all began working remotely.  Travel was limited.  Socializing with friends came to an abrupt halt. Life changed completely for most of us. Hope's relocation to New York City was put on hold... then put on hold a couple more times. As December marked the end of the year, I looked back at how much changed in those twelve months.

In December 2019, I had dropped to the lowest low I remember in decades. Through meditation, fitness and the aid of two life coaches, I found my way back to myself just as the COVID-19 quarantines began and limited all my therapeutic outlets and support network.

Surprisingly, as well, however, I met an incredible man during this pandemic. We met online and then in person outside at a park, which isn't unconventional in a beautiful city like Austin that has an amazing amount of hiking trails, water activities and outdoor venues, but it was definitely one of the few options of meeting during quarantine. It was the flexibility of his personality that led me to meet him in person, social-distanced.  As we talked and learned about one another, I found a soul connection that I did not expect.  As we continue to discover differences, we gravitate to a similar core of beliefs, values and desires.

My exercise classes stopping affecting me drastically.  My fitness community is such a lifeline for me, especially being solo in a new city!  Luckily, we began virtual sessions, which aren't ideal - it's the social aspect and feeling their energy that motivates me! But we have made the best of it, and it has pushed me further out of my comfort zone while showing me new challenges to overcome.

Looking at the New Year, I can't say that my path is clearly set ahead of me - which after the challenges raised in 2020, I think we all share this period of unknown but yet are still hopeful and driven.  I feel so much stronger than I did just a few months ago and definitely better than just thirteen months ago.

Living fully in the present is the key and not an easy task for a personality that is always looking at what the next goal and improvement is going to be.  I have goals and missions, but taking things one day at a time and remaining open to possibilities is the best approach for me.  As one of my wonderful friends reminded me last week, most things in life are not "emergencies." I'm working on perspective... and I am grateful. Always, always grateful.

Change of Year

The first month of the New Year closes this week opening up to February.  January 27th, and I have not set any true goals for myself for 2019.  I want new achievements, but after the past couple of years, reflecting on my life, I'm sorta out of ideas... kind of sick of the roller coaster, too.

Yet, the last four weeks have surprised me with new opportunities and abilities already!  Usually, when I set out to "get something," it seems to shift further from my grasp.  And amazing experiences were able to be mine without my asking, but based on just who I am (Nutcracker, JFL Cheer, bridal show modeling...).

My life just sort of "happens" to me.  If I want something and go after it, it inevitably becomes an even greater challenge.  All things have been difficult except for obtaining certification as a Professional Event Coordinator.  While I had to study and pass exams, it went well, and I even achieved Honors in three of the five courses.

However, that was the easiest part.  Once I held the piece of paper, I had to struggle to find clients... so that I could work my ass off for them.  It was intimidating to approach wedding and event businesses and "sell myself" to them, as well.  For fifteen years, I was able to fill a role that I loved, but it wasn't easy.  I tired of the stress of never knowing how many clients I could land, and being a Type A personality, I needed stability.

For the past year, I have had a similar experience with my Wellness certifications.  Instead of traveling, I submitted videos of my classes to apply after studying the course work.  That led to a conference call to review my submissions... For someone who can't stand seeing herself on video, yeah that comfort zone was out of sight.  Then, hooray! The official document arrived!  Let the connections in the Austin fitness community begin!  ....Or not.  Well, slowly.  So far, I have met a handful of awesome people who, if they haven't helped me, they have at least provided encouragement.  But I have had to face a lot of rejections if any reply at all. My friend Angie reminds me that I've accomplished a lot in the first six, now twelve months of this endeavor.

If I weren't employed at a state agency office, okay, a "quasi agency" since the facilities management office refuses to allow me to reserve my own spaces for classes, my challenges would be even bigger.  And the women (and men!) I have been blessed to meet teaching around the Capitol have been so incredibly inspiring and amazing!  Maybe I am biased, but I think it takes even more courage to workout in the middle of the day and go back to your desk with "gym hair."  For my class in particular, working out to some funky dance moves with co-workers... that requires even more of getting out of your comfort zone!  I am both, proud and so impressed by this crew!

I was so blessed to open my class to the public at Arthur Murray Dance Studios, where I did not gain any new participants.  My friends and state employees came, along with my amazing daughter.  Then I met the incredible Sonnie at Lache Movement, where three new people attended my class, which made me super happy!  With the holidays, I didn't set any new dates and instead focused on learning three new routines to rotate into the mix as well as a new Warm Up song.

So, I was pretty content with it at the time... which in my life, is when things happen!  I was invited to hold a demo class at an apartment complex, and afterwards, I was asked if I could start doing the class for locations with which the company has fitness agreements.  In February, I will start holding classes for Shape Up Corporate Fitness at a few buildings around Austin.  Angie had suggested this a year ago when my 'location search' began, but I had no one specific to contact.  The places I emailed never replied, so I completely lost hope for doing it.

And voila!  Here we are.

For 2019, I think my main "resolution" is to sincerely lighten up more about my path and really, REALLY hold on to my mantra of "When nothing is certain, anything is possible." (Mandy Hale)

For the rest of my mission of wellness, I have started two new books and listened to a few recordings as the main accomplishment I want to make this year is believing in myself and being more "me." Whatever that is.  Personalities change, preferences change, the things that light the spark into a fire inside you change.  None of us have it all "figured out" because life cannot be completely determined.  At least not in my case.  Honestly, I don't want it to be. I can say at least I'm not bored! Frustrated, quite a bit. Frightened, of course.  But I'm interested to see how my new year unfolds, and it's already been pretty exciting with a lot of potential.

Please comment with your new goals or any situations you have had like mine.  It would help to know I'm not the only one!  Cheers to you for 2019 - I hope it has started well and is amazing for you!

My New C: Coach!

Wow!  Six months ago, I achieved my goal of Certified Dance Instructor for SHiNE Dance Fitness!  It was a struggle to secure rooms in the state employment offices, but the support has been incredible.  Gracious, encouraging women have helped me along the way, and I just could not be more appreciative!

Public class locations has been a greater battle.  Since I am new to Austin, making connections at dance studios, gyms and activities centers has been an even larger challenge.  FINALLY, in September, I am going to be able to host introductory classes on Saturday mornings.  The Arthur Murray Dance Studios is letting me use one of their studios.  I have no idea how many people want to wake up early to shake, sweat and SHiNE at 8 a.m., but I am excited to find out!

Still studying for AFAA Group Fitness Instructor certification, as well, I am also looking ahead at the next six months.  I am definitely open to new opportunities and have a lot of ideas!  I also know all too well that there will be more hurdles for me and many more rejections, but the photos of my amazing participants who dance with me and the emails I receive from them continue to encourage and inspire me.

When I started this endeavor in December, I fought self-doubt, pushed myself out of yet another comfort zone, and apparently I'm doing a pretty good job!  #coach

How Badly Do You Want it?

Over the past year, I have endured many new tests.  Just like most people, I have faced barriers and challenges my entire life, but the magnitude of what I have faced and what I have accomplished (specifically since March 2017) has been pretty incredible.

 

When knowing Chad would not find a new job in Peoria, Illinois, at the time, I didn't know when he would be moving, what I would have to do on my own, or how it would affect our lives.  When I decided to put myself out there to see if I could relocate to a more artistic market, during interviews, I had to picture myself in a new city, a new environment, and eventually, a completely new industry (if law and government can be categorized as "industry").

 

Nothing has ever come easily to me, and no one has ever handed me anything.  I have worked my best to accomplish everything I have received.  I suffer self-doubt; my negative self-talk is deafening; the image I hold of myself is beyond disappointing, but I find ways to still fight for what I want.

 

Yet, somehow, I am still surprised when I face barriers against goals.  Maybe it's part of my process - to reach that moment when my head tells me, "you know you aren't good enough for this.  Who in the world did you think you were fooling?"

 

But I keep pushing.  I attended my first "Sexy Stiletto" dance class and went ahead and joined the group for the video promo.  I achieved my certification as a Dance Fitness Instructor this weekend.  I am sharing all this -  whether anyone gives a shit to read it or not - I am being brave enough to post it, share it, and keep it real. 

 

Today on Facebook, there was a statement shared in a group by a beautiful young woman who is just ready to die.  She doesn't feel she has anything to contribute anymore, and, while she doesn't intend to take her own life, she has sunk to such a low that death seems her only consolation.  I don't have the answers for her - I don't even have the answers for you or for myself.  However, I do know that we are all on this planet for a reason.  We may never comprehend why, but I think it's our job to do what we can for one another.  It might be as simple as a smile when you make eye contact with a stranger, a quick text to a friend, or an invitation to someone to get out and "do something" and actually follow through.  Or you can lead in a supervisory position, be a mentor, or inspire some people to dance in a fitness class... maybe all the above.

 

I don't know my purpose.  But if I can inspire anyone - any one person - to try something new or dance without care or share feelings when they feel they are all alone, I will feel I have succeeded.  Thank you for your support.  Let's dance.

 

Phase I to Phase II of Moving to Austin

Oh, the timing of it all... It would be so much easier for me to leave Illinois during the cold, bleak, dead winter months. Holding the resentment of my husband's lost employment... the bitterness of an area that could not support his talents and our career ambitions.  A place so cold that caused tension and pain in my body that made me cranky.

And I had to leave first - for some reason.  Yes, I found an employer providing me a better position, higher pay and better benefits while moving Chad to a city with far more opportunities in his industry (art and graphic design).  Yet, if he had moved before Hope and I, it would have been more obvious to blame him for this relocation, for uprooting our family and separating us from all that we love and enjoy.  This major shift in all our lives.

We have to do this as a team.  We need to support each other.  We must support one another in the transition.  It has actually been crucial for me to make the move first so that I could begin the second phase as a better, stronger, healthier version of myself - my ultimate self.

Just over fifty days, and I do not feel I am "there" quite yet - but I am learning, realizing, that maybe I won't ever get "there."  Perhaps I will remain a work in progress for all of my existence.  But as long as I am on the right track and stick to it, I think that's what matters. 

When I think about others I admire, I rarely respect people who have had everything handed to them.  I look up to the fighters - the ones who not only rose to challenges but continue to pull themselves back up, time and time, after every fall.  Those who continue driven to get what they want and push themselves toward what they want.

Those who, through their hard work, show gratitude for their opportunities, battles and even what appear to be "failures," and keep working to be their best.
 
That is ultimately what I want.  While this move has been so difficult, emotionally, physically, financially, and while I also understand I am still far from finished, my only regret is that I didn't take that First Step years ago.  But then, there are so many amazing, important, fun people that I have been blessed and honored to meet.  And, maybe I would not have the amount of appreciation for all of this that I am currently overtaken with at times.  Life can be a struggle, but oh my, it can have so much enjoyment, too!

Change of Employment

Whether you lose a job, quit, get downsized, relocate... changing jobs is challenging.

My husband lost his full-time employment because his company needed to save money and could not afford to keep the Creative Department staffed. I lost my job because I worked too hard to save my company money.

Whatever the reason you lose or leave a job, it gives you something money cannot buy: reflection. It's a perfect time to evaluate your role, your goals, your motivation... and look to your next step.

I do believe that all things happen for a reason. Also, as long as I learn from the experience, what happens cannot be a mistake. The key is learning from it. Some lessons teach you right away, while others can take months or years. (For example, I still don't have a full understanding of why our move to Chicago did not succeed.)

For my recent job, I knew it wasn't perfect for me. I knew I wanted more... I hesitated on it for months. It appeared to be a good opportunity, and I thought I could make a difference. I was encouraged by someone I admire and took a chance.

I have already realized things I have learned from this, and I know I have a few more revelations about it that are still pending. Holding true to myself, I am praying that it helps me grow and move on to a place where I can flourish. A place where I will undoubtedly learn new lessons, and hopefully not have to repeat others.

Life is a journey, not a destination... and sometimes we have to change our direction.