How Badly Do You Want it?

Over the past year, I have endured many new tests.  Just like most people, I have faced barriers and challenges my entire life, but the magnitude of what I have faced and what I have accomplished (specifically since March 2017) has been pretty incredible.

 

When knowing Chad would not find a new job in Peoria, Illinois, at the time, I didn't know when he would be moving, what I would have to do on my own, or how it would affect our lives.  When I decided to put myself out there to see if I could relocate to a more artistic market, during interviews, I had to picture myself in a new city, a new environment, and eventually, a completely new industry (if law and government can be categorized as "industry").

 

Nothing has ever come easily to me, and no one has ever handed me anything.  I have worked my best to accomplish everything I have received.  I suffer self-doubt; my negative self-talk is deafening; the image I hold of myself is beyond disappointing, but I find ways to still fight for what I want.

 

Yet, somehow, I am still surprised when I face barriers against goals.  Maybe it's part of my process - to reach that moment when my head tells me, "you know you aren't good enough for this.  Who in the world did you think you were fooling?"

 

But I keep pushing.  I attended my first "Sexy Stiletto" dance class and went ahead and joined the group for the video promo.  I achieved my certification as a Dance Fitness Instructor this weekend.  I am sharing all this -  whether anyone gives a shit to read it or not - I am being brave enough to post it, share it, and keep it real. 

 

Today on Facebook, there was a statement shared in a group by a beautiful young woman who is just ready to die.  She doesn't feel she has anything to contribute anymore, and, while she doesn't intend to take her own life, she has sunk to such a low that death seems her only consolation.  I don't have the answers for her - I don't even have the answers for you or for myself.  However, I do know that we are all on this planet for a reason.  We may never comprehend why, but I think it's our job to do what we can for one another.  It might be as simple as a smile when you make eye contact with a stranger, a quick text to a friend, or an invitation to someone to get out and "do something" and actually follow through.  Or you can lead in a supervisory position, be a mentor, or inspire some people to dance in a fitness class... maybe all the above.

 

I don't know my purpose.  But if I can inspire anyone - any one person - to try something new or dance without care or share feelings when they feel they are all alone, I will feel I have succeeded.  Thank you for your support.  Let's dance.

 

Phase I to Phase II of Moving to Austin

Oh, the timing of it all... It would be so much easier for me to leave Illinois during the cold, bleak, dead winter months. Holding the resentment of my husband's lost employment... the bitterness of an area that could not support his talents and our career ambitions.  A place so cold that caused tension and pain in my body that made me cranky.

And I had to leave first - for some reason.  Yes, I found an employer providing me a better position, higher pay and better benefits while moving Chad to a city with far more opportunities in his industry (art and graphic design).  Yet, if he had moved before Hope and I, it would have been more obvious to blame him for this relocation, for uprooting our family and separating us from all that we love and enjoy.  This major shift in all our lives.

We have to do this as a team.  We need to support each other.  We must support one another in the transition.  It has actually been crucial for me to make the move first so that I could begin the second phase as a better, stronger, healthier version of myself - my ultimate self.

Just over fifty days, and I do not feel I am "there" quite yet - but I am learning, realizing, that maybe I won't ever get "there."  Perhaps I will remain a work in progress for all of my existence.  But as long as I am on the right track and stick to it, I think that's what matters. 

When I think about others I admire, I rarely respect people who have had everything handed to them.  I look up to the fighters - the ones who not only rose to challenges but continue to pull themselves back up, time and time, after every fall.  Those who continue driven to get what they want and push themselves toward what they want.

Those who, through their hard work, show gratitude for their opportunities, battles and even what appear to be "failures," and keep working to be their best.
 
That is ultimately what I want.  While this move has been so difficult, emotionally, physically, financially, and while I also understand I am still far from finished, my only regret is that I didn't take that First Step years ago.  But then, there are so many amazing, important, fun people that I have been blessed and honored to meet.  And, maybe I would not have the amount of appreciation for all of this that I am currently overtaken with at times.  Life can be a struggle, but oh my, it can have so much enjoyment, too!