How Badly Do You Want it?

Over the past year, I have endured many new tests.  Just like most people, I have faced barriers and challenges my entire life, but the magnitude of what I have faced and what I have accomplished (specifically since March 2017) has been pretty incredible.

 

When knowing Chad would not find a new job in Peoria, Illinois, at the time, I didn't know when he would be moving, what I would have to do on my own, or how it would affect our lives.  When I decided to put myself out there to see if I could relocate to a more artistic market, during interviews, I had to picture myself in a new city, a new environment, and eventually, a completely new industry (if law and government can be categorized as "industry").

 

Nothing has ever come easily to me, and no one has ever handed me anything.  I have worked my best to accomplish everything I have received.  I suffer self-doubt; my negative self-talk is deafening; the image I hold of myself is beyond disappointing, but I find ways to still fight for what I want.

 

Yet, somehow, I am still surprised when I face barriers against goals.  Maybe it's part of my process - to reach that moment when my head tells me, "you know you aren't good enough for this.  Who in the world did you think you were fooling?"

 

But I keep pushing.  I attended my first "Sexy Stiletto" dance class and went ahead and joined the group for the video promo.  I achieved my certification as a Dance Fitness Instructor this weekend.  I am sharing all this -  whether anyone gives a shit to read it or not - I am being brave enough to post it, share it, and keep it real. 

 

Today on Facebook, there was a statement shared in a group by a beautiful young woman who is just ready to die.  She doesn't feel she has anything to contribute anymore, and, while she doesn't intend to take her own life, she has sunk to such a low that death seems her only consolation.  I don't have the answers for her - I don't even have the answers for you or for myself.  However, I do know that we are all on this planet for a reason.  We may never comprehend why, but I think it's our job to do what we can for one another.  It might be as simple as a smile when you make eye contact with a stranger, a quick text to a friend, or an invitation to someone to get out and "do something" and actually follow through.  Or you can lead in a supervisory position, be a mentor, or inspire some people to dance in a fitness class... maybe all the above.

 

I don't know my purpose.  But if I can inspire anyone - any one person - to try something new or dance without care or share feelings when they feel they are all alone, I will feel I have succeeded.  Thank you for your support.  Let's dance.

 

Change Your Locks

Last week, I was sternly informed by my seven year old daughter not to call myself "stupid." "Idiot" is not allowed, either... nor the many more profane descriptions that were swirling around in my head that (thankfully!) did not escape my mouth in front of her.

My husband was in California on business, and on the day of his return, I locked us out of our house.

Ironic since I had left to pick up my daughter from school, get her changed for her ballet class and pack the prepared snacks for the car trip from dance to her Brownie meeting. I was feeling pretty good about handling such a day "all on my own." His flight wasn't due to arrive until 11 P.M. that night.

Is it that these things really do happen when you're feeling at your best - or is it just that they are so much more noticeable? Like red stoplights when you are driving in a hurry. When you aren't late, the green lights aren't nearly as appreciated... they just are what they are, green.

Hope helped me deal with the situation. She was quite matter-of-fact and very supportive... of course, that did not stop her from telling everyone we encountered how foolish her mother had been. (It's okay - I'm laughing about it now.)

We discussed the ability to cope, problem solve and deal with not being able to control a situation. It also led to us talking about homeless people - those who live in cars when they have to, as well as those who don't even own the luxury of a car. It ended up being a life lesson, and we spent some quality time together.

Her words have echoed in my mind since that day, however. I've been reflecting on the negative messages our brains send to the subconscious (stupid, foolish, dumb), and how their impact affects me so much more than positives (pride, triumph, success).

Most of it is due to my personality, but I do seem to openly welcome negative feedback and tend to lock out positive. I'm a hypocrite. I am striving to teach my little girl to be confident and proud, while I shut out those messages to myself. Mistakes happen. I believe that as long as you learn from it, a mistake is just a lesson that has caught you off-guard.

Once back inside, I distinctly grabbed the spare keys and vowed never to do that again. This also has me wanting to change the locks on my psyche. To be an example to my daughter, I do need to practice what I preach. It requires a lot of work - I wish I could just phone a Locksmith. However, like locking yourself out of the house, sometimes the greatest lessons are the hardest to endure. It also requires patience and being aware of a lack of control. At least I can practice this inside, enjoying the comforts of my home.

Circles of Change

Our good friends Mike & Stacey are having a baby. Today.

Their life is going to change dramatically within hours. As soon as he is born, their attention changes to his needs and making sure that the little guy is doing okay. Happy, healthy. The people they will begin to see as he grows will change, also. Play groups, PreSchool, any sports or activities... they will meet new people and develop new friendships with others that share their new phase of life.

Our lives are affected by the people that we care about and need our attention. As life progresses and we change our interests and activities, the people involved shift and move.

Some personalities just grow apart. Some people can seem to become more "difficult" to be around, straining the relationship. Some people get busy and forget to call. Some have been hurt before and it's hard for them to open up to new friendships.

As I reflect on our life right now, I am saddened that there are friends who I have lost touch with. Yet, I am so grateful for those who have entered my sphere of influence. I have friends with four kids and friends who have chosen to not have children. I love and appreciate them for who they are, and they give me different perspectives that I can value.

There is a brilliant quote that I once read that stated the Good Friends have enough in common to bring them together, but enough differences to learn from one another. (I wish I could find it and state it word-for-word, but you get the idea.)

In a world where religions and politics force people to argue, I wish that more people could learn from their differences with others, rather than fear them or get so angry. I hope to continue my circles of friends growing and changing because it shows that I am continuing to grow and change.

I also hope sincerely that my friends who I do not get to see often or those who I mean to phone but get bogged down by life (and my horrible tower connection in this house!) know that I really adore them and think of them often.

They say that your life can "flash" before your eyes... and I smile about all the faces I will get to see in my mind when that happens. It doesn't make me less sad to lose touch with a friend - but I do gain satisfaction that we have at least had the opportunity to share pieces of our lives together, no matter how brief.