Now What???

Returning to work "full-time" has meant a lot more than being in my office at 8:00 a.m. every weekday.  While I am not able to physically see my daughter every day after she gets home from school now, it has hit me that in just four years, I probably won't even be able to physically see her every day.

She is going to be moving on to college, eventually a career, and if she wants, she will be a Mother... she has her entire journey ahead of her.

But I don't.  Hope has been my greatest accomplishment.  Yes, owning my own Wedding & Event Planning business was a true joy for me and I did love it.  Developing administrative abilities throughout my office positions from Accenture to Peoria Ballet and now Alpha Media is pretty fulfilling.  I like to be proud of myself as a daughter who has lived a pretty respectable life... Yet my focus for the past seventeen years has been to bring up a fantastic human being.  Granted, I am not "done."  I will be here for her as long as I am on the planet.  It's just that we are coming to a point where there isn't much more I can actually do for her, about who she is.  She has her identity.  It will change a bit, like we all do, but I've tried to help build a strong foundation and that part is over.

So, now what?  Is this that Empty Nest syndrome people talk about?  Of course I am ahead of the game - I am an obsessive Planner.  I am doing my best to enjoy where I am in my life right now, but my nature is always to seek "what's next."  To prepare for whatever moves I need to make, to prepare for the next change.  Clairee's line in Steel Magnolias echoes in my mind: "Well.  I really do love football. But it's hard to parlay that into a reason to live."

It seemed a lot easier to know what I wanted when I was younger.  I am not sure of anything now.  I know I need balance.  I need to be able to have flexibility to continue to be available for my daughter.  I want to continue to exercise, enjoy time with my fabulous friends and dance any moment possible.  I want to make a difference and help the world be a better place. But determining what else I want now and how to get there is proving to be a challenge.