When I moved to Austin in August, I had a mission. Creating a Facebook page, I documented my challenges, reflected on my goals, endured sorrow, felt happiness... While I have learned a lot about myself, I also know I still have a long way to go.
The fact that has hit me the past couple weeks, however, is that I can't articulate any dreams or aspirations. Aside from developing self-worth with a hope to end up liking myself, I don't have any goals that I would label with that word.
For years, I was able to perform my "dream job" as an event planning coordinator... but my career path was altered for income needs. As I evolve in my abilities and talents, I am completely clueless as to what is next, if anything, when it comes to my employment. Most of my jobs have just, sort of, happened. In fact, most things in my life have just happened when I had the least expectations. I haven't had those experiences of "going for it" and landing a dream gig or a perfect home. My favorite roles, either took years to work out or were just incredibly difficult to finally happen. Others that I yearned for just never panned out.
Establishing new steps the past few years has become holistic for me. I have had to put myself out there, but not get my hopes up and be quite autonomous about the outcomes of job applications, interviews and places to live. Throughout it all, I would remind myself not to become excited at the possibilities because of the chances of being selected are always unknown.
Yet, I feel I need - and should - have a drive to accomplish more than "figuring myself out" or "finding out who I am." I do understand though, that what I am doing IS an incredible challenge. It is continuing to be a big commitment to keep at it.
Sometimes I am excited, while others, I just feel lost and powerless. Which, I guess, is life. "When nothing is certain, anything is possible." I just need to establish a few fluid goals and perhaps my "dream" will show itself when it's time.
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