Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Another Year - an Unusual Year - Passes...

Another birthday passes, and this one was quite unusual.  I trusted friends who encouraged me that "the 40's" were going to be great - that you finally "know yourself" and are comfortable in your skin.  After moving to Austin nine months ago, that's certainly not my experience!  Not yet, anyway.

I was making progress solo in ATX, though.  Sure, I'm not currently pursuing my passion in a career.  I'm not living in a space that is where I want to be after my daughter graduates high school.  I've accepted that I will never inhabit the body of my choice, and I work with what I was given.  But I continue to try to figure out my purpose in this world, and I don't feel remotely close.  

My first birthday as an Austin resident was spent in my hometown of Peoria, Illinois.  My sophomore daughter was invited to a prom, so - as a great parent would do, right? - I bought plane tickets and decided her monumental weekend was more important than another birthday in my books.

Then - the Illinois boyfriend broke up with my princess.  We had already purchased the dress, bought the shoes, notified some friends... so, I let her decide if we should cancel.  She asked if we could enjoy a "Girls Trip" weekend, or as I call it Non-Prom.  "Sure!  Sounds like fun!" I thought. 

Central Illinois had beautiful weather during our visit - but still certainly not warm enough to keep me there.  It really was terrific to see so many of my amazing and wonderful friends.  Moving 1,000 miles away and leaving most of the people I love has been difficult.  I have questioned my decision at least a million times.  But yes, I did the right thing by leaving.  Growth and development demand change - and I had been in great need of major change for several years.

For those I was able to see - even briefly - it meant so very much to me.  It is not being able to see my friends that are so far away that makes my heart ache the most.  Reflecting as we made our way back to Texas, I hope that seeing me wasn't a disappointment to anyone.  I am still evolving, and I have a lot left to resolve and heal. 

I know I don't belong in Peoria anymore, but I'm not sure I belong in Austin.  Maybe I will never really feel like I belong anywhere... but I'm stuck with me for the rest of my life, and I will have to keep working on it

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