December

Let me start by stating that I think everyone's "Relationship Status" is Complicated.  Together, apart; straight, bi; single, married - all relationships have challenges.  People strive for a perfection that doesn't exist.  I have yet to view too many people post an argument, a betrayal, a disappointment on social media.  And as humans, we all have them, so I thank you all for having maturity and respect in that manner. (Or you just discovered that I don't follow you on social media.)

I recently read this quote by Delia Mooney:
"the truth is, according to multiple studies referenced in her book, almost everything we think we know about the benefits of marriage or the dangers of staying single are completely exaggerated and often, just plain wrong. Case in point: Married people are not necessarily happier than single people."

I do not regret marrying Chad when I did.  Yes, we were very young, but I still believe, regardless of age, we are meant to continue to always grow and evolve as people.  The goal is to do it together - not to become the same person, but to fully support one another in your similarities and even more so in the differences.  Time that passes when you begin down separate paths can make it more difficult to reconnect.

Most marriages have a common flow... excitement to comfort, maybe to a little boredom, then back to reconnecting...  I do wish I had handled things differently, but looking back at decisions and questioning what was done doesn't change the future.  The steps taken every day from here and now form the path ahead.

Evolving and growing requires change.  It happened to me without my even being aware.  I found myself in a Midwest role that I knew I wasn't fully enjoying, but I was making the most of it. I was pretty excited to have the opportunities I had in Peoria. Being on stage, encouraging JFL cheerleaders, being a volunteer for non-profits and celebrating the business community, I definitely found ways to love my life!

I would never have chosen the circumstances that pushed me to move to Austin, Texas.  I wanted Chad to get a new job and have to move because of his career.  I didn't want to instigate such drastic differences.  I was terrified, but I focused on the excitement... on what could be.  It was frightening and intimidating, but I realized I would have stayed complacent in Illinois if I hadn't taken the risk.  Just going through the motions of living and trying to amplify the bits of happiness that I created... and that's not the best life to live.

Not only am I a different woman from when I was a young bride, but my identity has changed so much through the years since. I am supportive of the "Texas Girl" I have become.  Many more changes still lie ahead, but I have nothing but to be ready and focus on becoming who I am meant to be... whoever she is.

The Only Thing Constant...

So - Friday's entry in my daily meditation book:
     I am a process.  Life is a process.  Alterations are part of the process.

This hits hard right now and I have been reflecting on it a lot.  Moving to North Austin for the high school of our choice (all three of us decided together for different reasons) is not easy for me.  I made my studio in South Central ATX my home.  I loved my commute.  Being in the center of all this city's energy was so amazing... but I didn't accept this job and relocate only for myself.

I have truly learned, however, that the only way I can be the greatest for everyone else is to take measures to make myself the best I can be, and a balance is necessary.  Compromise.  There has to be a solution.  I have stepped up to so many challenges in Texas and actually feel so different now, but a core piece of me is missing (other than my friends and family).

Since moving, I have really missed my fantastic experiences learning CIZE with Mary Maripat Hartman and The Fitness Marshall videos and live concert workouts.  I felt so incredible.  Relocating twice now, I haven't had many evenings free yet to try classes in Austin.  The two I have attended have been great, but now I feel like I have a lot of catching up to do with myself.

Timing classes in Austin is a hurdle - the traffic is never consistent, so I worry about scheduling (and paying) for classes if I am physically unable to get to them on time.  However, I have to make this a priority.  If I don't, I know that I will be consumed but anger, bitterness and regret.

Alterations.  Unlike clothing, with ourselves, these are on-going.  And sometimes, as soon as you find your groove, Karma comes in and shakes things up.  It seems pretty easy to become bitter and blame everyone and everything else for your "bad luck."  But that behavior doesn't make anything better.

Only you can change your own perspective.  I've always known this, but when you are sinking into a pit of despair and frustration, and you feel like you have no "fight" left... it's so difficult to see any chance of hope left.  Those are the testing moments.  The times that challenge your character.  You either quit and sulk, or you rise up and refuse to be brought down.

Obviously, I am not only talking about my need to make time in my schedule for a workout class... but, big or small, the way we spend our time either makes us happy or makes us miserable.  It is up to each of us.  While sometimes, we really are helpless - I cannot magically get a job offer for Chad, nor can I manifest the perfect person to buy our house in Illinois - other challenges give us a chance to examine our own power over situations. 
 
See the process and adjust yourself to the process, when possible.  Make the choice to do what you can, but also be patient and recognize that the right thing is on its way.  I have the choice to redirect my perspective and let go of what I cannot control.  It's difficult, yes, but feeling sorry for yourself doesn't make the situations change in your favor, either.  Finding peace with the things I am not able to fix is the only way to survive.  And the only thing constant is change, so while unhappy, knowing it cannot last forever - something is bound to shift - certainly helps sometimes!

Taking the First Step

I have worked hard to make a good life for myself in Peoria.  For a small town girl who had no desire to stay, I have come far. 
For all my accomplishments, I am proud, but I do hold sorrow that things for me rarely went as I planned, as I had hoped.

My excitement of the future, sadness in leaving, and fear of the unknown have me currently feeling quite insane.

It is so easy to stay.  Obviously, comfort zones are just that: comfort.  It takes courage to step out, to do something or things that maybe you never thought you could.  So many people stick to the mundane - It is simple to blame others and complain versus taking a risk.
 
One of my favorite quotes by Eleanor Roosevelt is 'You must do the thing you think you cannot do.' 

How else do we grow?  How else will you ever know what you can achieve and who you can truly be?

I held on to doubts for far too long based on judgements that were made on me, not by me.  Based on disbeliefs I was somehow taught, rather than those I have developed.

If in my own journey, I can rise above and believe in myself and in the power of opportunities,  I truly hope I can inspire you to do the same.

Reject the easy path. Say 'no' to the known and climb into the adventure instead.  No matter what, you will learn, change and grow from the experience.

Step one...

Okay... even Bigger Changes

"Everything's bigger in Texas," right?  Does that include Change?
  

I am moving.  I am leaving my life and all that I know.  I am expanding my career path, changing my address and pursuing great changes in myself.  I feel pretty insane.  My friends are the best.  Hope's involvement in Peoria Ballet Company and the Dunlap Dance Teams has been so incredible - I have loved so much of those experiences.  Stage experiences, coaching experiences, all of my volunteer efforts.  The amazing connections I have made with people and businesses.

  

However... there are new challenges and new moments of joy and success if I look to the opportunities rather than the losses.  Some are made by choice, but most changes are forced upon us. This situation is both - I did not choose for my husband's job to be eliminated from his company in January.  But I did choose to do something about it to help our family financially.

My new employment will move us to a better market for my husband's amazing and impressive talents.  As frightened as I am, my confidence in his abilities overshadows doubt.  We still have a long, long way to go, but each step must be taken at a time... with patience and faith, two characteristics that I typically lack.  The bigger the change, the more steps, more setbacks and more dedication required.
 

A quote by Danielle LaPorte was in my social media recently... "How deep change happens: It's not always the dramatic decisions.  It's after persistence, loss, rebuilding, devotion to what you deem meaningful." This adjustment is not something I can just tackle and celebrate victory.  It is going to take a lot of endurance.  I will appreciate any and all support and encouragement, yet I know that I will not be able to rely completely on that.  I am on my own, at least at first. 

Our home will be put up for sale this week and my family will join me in Texas once other pieces fall into place.  In that time, I will be working on self-improvement initiatives and self reliance in a new city, while also researching school districts and mastering a new role in a completely different work environment.  Please follow my journey and provide any feedback possible.  It will mean the world to me.

Circles of Change

Our good friends Mike & Stacey are having a baby. Today.

Their life is going to change dramatically within hours. As soon as he is born, their attention changes to his needs and making sure that the little guy is doing okay. Happy, healthy. The people they will begin to see as he grows will change, also. Play groups, PreSchool, any sports or activities... they will meet new people and develop new friendships with others that share their new phase of life.

Our lives are affected by the people that we care about and need our attention. As life progresses and we change our interests and activities, the people involved shift and move.

Some personalities just grow apart. Some people can seem to become more "difficult" to be around, straining the relationship. Some people get busy and forget to call. Some have been hurt before and it's hard for them to open up to new friendships.

As I reflect on our life right now, I am saddened that there are friends who I have lost touch with. Yet, I am so grateful for those who have entered my sphere of influence. I have friends with four kids and friends who have chosen to not have children. I love and appreciate them for who they are, and they give me different perspectives that I can value.

There is a brilliant quote that I once read that stated the Good Friends have enough in common to bring them together, but enough differences to learn from one another. (I wish I could find it and state it word-for-word, but you get the idea.)

In a world where religions and politics force people to argue, I wish that more people could learn from their differences with others, rather than fear them or get so angry. I hope to continue my circles of friends growing and changing because it shows that I am continuing to grow and change.

I also hope sincerely that my friends who I do not get to see often or those who I mean to phone but get bogged down by life (and my horrible tower connection in this house!) know that I really adore them and think of them often.

They say that your life can "flash" before your eyes... and I smile about all the faces I will get to see in my mind when that happens. It doesn't make me less sad to lose touch with a friend - but I do gain satisfaction that we have at least had the opportunity to share pieces of our lives together, no matter how brief.