December

Let me start by stating that I think everyone's "Relationship Status" is Complicated.  Together, apart; straight, bi; single, married - all relationships have challenges.  People strive for a perfection that doesn't exist.  I have yet to view too many people post an argument, a betrayal, a disappointment on social media.  And as humans, we all have them, so I thank you all for having maturity and respect in that manner. (Or you just discovered that I don't follow you on social media.)

I recently read this quote by Delia Mooney:
"the truth is, according to multiple studies referenced in her book, almost everything we think we know about the benefits of marriage or the dangers of staying single are completely exaggerated and often, just plain wrong. Case in point: Married people are not necessarily happier than single people."

I do not regret marrying Chad when I did.  Yes, we were very young, but I still believe, regardless of age, we are meant to continue to always grow and evolve as people.  The goal is to do it together - not to become the same person, but to fully support one another in your similarities and even more so in the differences.  Time that passes when you begin down separate paths can make it more difficult to reconnect.

Most marriages have a common flow... excitement to comfort, maybe to a little boredom, then back to reconnecting...  I do wish I had handled things differently, but looking back at decisions and questioning what was done doesn't change the future.  The steps taken every day from here and now form the path ahead.

Evolving and growing requires change.  It happened to me without my even being aware.  I found myself in a Midwest role that I knew I wasn't fully enjoying, but I was making the most of it. I was pretty excited to have the opportunities I had in Peoria. Being on stage, encouraging JFL cheerleaders, being a volunteer for non-profits and celebrating the business community, I definitely found ways to love my life!

I would never have chosen the circumstances that pushed me to move to Austin, Texas.  I wanted Chad to get a new job and have to move because of his career.  I didn't want to instigate such drastic differences.  I was terrified, but I focused on the excitement... on what could be.  It was frightening and intimidating, but I realized I would have stayed complacent in Illinois if I hadn't taken the risk.  Just going through the motions of living and trying to amplify the bits of happiness that I created... and that's not the best life to live.

Not only am I a different woman from when I was a young bride, but my identity has changed so much through the years since. I am supportive of the "Texas Girl" I have become.  Many more changes still lie ahead, but I have nothing but to be ready and focus on becoming who I am meant to be... whoever she is.

Stages of Marriage

I'm just going to say this: The concept of Marriage is a bit ridiculous.  I have a hard time living with myself everyday.  The idea of living with someone else for the rest of existence is actually pretty profound... let alone expecting someone to live with me for all their days!

Don't get me wrong - I honestly love my husband.  He's a great guy, a strong man and an incredible father.  We have been through a lot of life together... A LOT of life.  We married when we were very young.  When you are in love, you don't want to let it go.  You want it forever, so you commit to, well, forever.

I couldn't imagine wanting to be with anyone else, and I didn't figure anybody could possibly deal with all my baggage and issues, either.  Also, I figured we would both continue to change and grow, and I believed that we could easily support one another as we grew into mature adults.

We knew we would have struggles, but I also know we both had more optimism at the time.  We didn't know that we would still live in the Midwest, that he would not land a job that pays him his creative worth, that I would have such difficulty finding my own role in the world.  We didn't think that having a child would be nearly impossible for me.  We didn't figure on having such large losses so early in life (unborn children and parents passing away).

Most people marry because they are either expected to (family, friends, society) or because it's included on that list of having a "happy, successful life."  It isn't shocking to me that the rate of divorce continually fluctuates around 50%.  Half, people.  Half.  Marriage is hard.  After coordinating weddings for so many years, I literally saw how "the Day" became so much more the focus than the actual RELATIONSHIP.  And once all the excitement, the plans and the sparkling sheen of a "new life" fade, that is when the actual work begins... and it doesn't stop.

No one is perfect, yet sometimes people think that someone else could be a solution to all of their own problems.  Or they love someone, but he or she just needs to improve on "this" or should really do things like "that."  Forget the fact that the other human being is just working on living... forget that he or she might have similar thoughts about the other partner, as well.  It can all build up and giving up can be so easy, maybe even attractive... or "walking away" can seem like the only option for sanity and peace.

The biggest challenge with matrimony is that we are all pushing on every day just to find ourselves, fix ourselves, be content with ourselves.  Social Media shows us how much "happier" others appear.  Society has most of us competing for better homes, better cars, better clothing.  We are all trying to be wealthy, sexy, secure ... and sometimes, you turn and wonder if the one you are married to doesn't share your path and goals anymore.

So how do "long marriages" work?  My guess is the choices every day - that while you aren't the people you were when you said your vows, you are still individuals who care for each other and want to continue in this mad world together.  Every single day.

In this crazy world, it's tough to find someone who understands all that you are enduring, while he or she is dealing with disappointments, challenges and goals, as well.  If you can spend your days with somebody and, through it all, find the ability to laugh and enjoy the changes throughout your relationship, I think that could lead to a "successful" marriage.  Time can only tell.