Hope is 18

We all say "time flies," but I am honestly in shock that my darling little baby is now considered a legal adult. It truly does not feel like it has been eighteen years since she blessed my life. How did that pass so quickly?
  
I remember talking with the stupendously talented Erich Yetter at Peoria Ballet Company when I first started this blog... he asked about my posts, and we touched on all the "choices and changes" we see and share as parents - in them, in us, and in one another. 
 
This past week in particular, it has all flashed before my eyes randomly. Her preschool years, Charter Oak, moving to Dunlap where she joined Wilder-Waite, middle school at DMS, entering high school... the move to Austin is still surreal. Like you were watching a TV series and that last season, they're like "surprise! That whole thing was a dream!" And you're like wth??!? What do I do with THAT?!

But it's more than reflecting on her childhood or having random memories pop up unexpected. I think living 1,000 miles away it also amplifies the people I thought would always be part of her/our life. Some disappeared almost immediately. Others have slowly faded. A select few have kept in touch. Life is so strange.

I'm not sure if it makes me sad that Hope has faced these realities before departing for college or if I'm glad that she is aware this happens... I think a bit of both. She still has so many decisions ahead of her and as her "mom," I am doing my best to let her figure out her own path while also voicing concerns and caution. Mistakes are lessons as long as we learn from them and if we don't repeat or continue going in the wrong direction because it feels more comfortable.

Massive changes lie ahead. While she is still deciding, waiting and contemplating, I have decided to be strive to be happy hanging out in limbo. While I am programmed to be a Type A planner, my move to Texas has definitely shown me, sometimes in not so pleasant and blunt ways, life will never go as I expect.  If anything, I hope that my daughter, witnessing my struggles, failures, triumphs, surprises and lessons, will be more equipped to not only handle what lies in store for her, but that she will face it all with the confidence and security that we all deserve.

I am so beyond proud of her. While she will always be my "four-pound baby," she has grown into such an impressive, intelligent, caring woman. I am truly blessed that I have been able to witness it.

December

Let me start by stating that I think everyone's "Relationship Status" is Complicated.  Together, apart; straight, bi; single, married - all relationships have challenges.  People strive for a perfection that doesn't exist.  I have yet to view too many people post an argument, a betrayal, a disappointment on social media.  And as humans, we all have them, so I thank you all for having maturity and respect in that manner. (Or you just discovered that I don't follow you on social media.)

I recently read this quote by Delia Mooney:
"the truth is, according to multiple studies referenced in her book, almost everything we think we know about the benefits of marriage or the dangers of staying single are completely exaggerated and often, just plain wrong. Case in point: Married people are not necessarily happier than single people."

I do not regret marrying Chad when I did.  Yes, we were very young, but I still believe, regardless of age, we are meant to continue to always grow and evolve as people.  The goal is to do it together - not to become the same person, but to fully support one another in your similarities and even more so in the differences.  Time that passes when you begin down separate paths can make it more difficult to reconnect.

Most marriages have a common flow... excitement to comfort, maybe to a little boredom, then back to reconnecting...  I do wish I had handled things differently, but looking back at decisions and questioning what was done doesn't change the future.  The steps taken every day from here and now form the path ahead.

Evolving and growing requires change.  It happened to me without my even being aware.  I found myself in a Midwest role that I knew I wasn't fully enjoying, but I was making the most of it. I was pretty excited to have the opportunities I had in Peoria. Being on stage, encouraging JFL cheerleaders, being a volunteer for non-profits and celebrating the business community, I definitely found ways to love my life!

I would never have chosen the circumstances that pushed me to move to Austin, Texas.  I wanted Chad to get a new job and have to move because of his career.  I didn't want to instigate such drastic differences.  I was terrified, but I focused on the excitement... on what could be.  It was frightening and intimidating, but I realized I would have stayed complacent in Illinois if I hadn't taken the risk.  Just going through the motions of living and trying to amplify the bits of happiness that I created... and that's not the best life to live.

Not only am I a different woman from when I was a young bride, but my identity has changed so much through the years since. I am supportive of the "Texas Girl" I have become.  Many more changes still lie ahead, but I have nothing but to be ready and focus on becoming who I am meant to be... whoever she is.

Now What???

Returning to work "full-time" has meant a lot more than being in my office at 8:00 a.m. every weekday.  While I am not able to physically see my daughter every day after she gets home from school now, it has hit me that in just four years, I probably won't even be able to physically see her every day.

She is going to be moving on to college, eventually a career, and if she wants, she will be a Mother... she has her entire journey ahead of her.

But I don't.  Hope has been my greatest accomplishment.  Yes, owning my own Wedding & Event Planning business was a true joy for me and I did love it.  Developing administrative abilities throughout my office positions from Accenture to Peoria Ballet and now Alpha Media is pretty fulfilling.  I like to be proud of myself as a daughter who has lived a pretty respectable life... Yet my focus for the past seventeen years has been to bring up a fantastic human being.  Granted, I am not "done."  I will be here for her as long as I am on the planet.  It's just that we are coming to a point where there isn't much more I can actually do for her, about who she is.  She has her identity.  It will change a bit, like we all do, but I've tried to help build a strong foundation and that part is over.

So, now what?  Is this that Empty Nest syndrome people talk about?  Of course I am ahead of the game - I am an obsessive Planner.  I am doing my best to enjoy where I am in my life right now, but my nature is always to seek "what's next."  To prepare for whatever moves I need to make, to prepare for the next change.  Clairee's line in Steel Magnolias echoes in my mind: "Well.  I really do love football. But it's hard to parlay that into a reason to live."

It seemed a lot easier to know what I wanted when I was younger.  I am not sure of anything now.  I know I need balance.  I need to be able to have flexibility to continue to be available for my daughter.  I want to continue to exercise, enjoy time with my fabulous friends and dance any moment possible.  I want to make a difference and help the world be a better place. But determining what else I want now and how to get there is proving to be a challenge.