Years of Change...

The year 2020... so much for the visions of flying cars and teleporting. This particular calendar year provided more challenges, grief and frustration for the world than any other that I can recall in my somewhat-short lifetime.

My daughter finished her high school career taking her courses on-line. Those of us able to continue our jobs all began working remotely.  Travel was limited.  Socializing with friends came to an abrupt halt. Life changed completely for most of us. Hope's relocation to New York City was put on hold... then put on hold a couple more times. As December marked the end of the year, I looked back at how much changed in those twelve months.

In December 2019, I had dropped to the lowest low I remember in decades. Through meditation, fitness and the aid of two life coaches, I found my way back to myself just as the COVID-19 quarantines began and limited all my therapeutic outlets and support network.

Surprisingly, as well, however, I met an incredible man during this pandemic. We met online and then in person outside at a park, which isn't unconventional in a beautiful city like Austin that has an amazing amount of hiking trails, water activities and outdoor venues, but it was definitely one of the few options of meeting during quarantine. It was the flexibility of his personality that led me to meet him in person, social-distanced.  As we talked and learned about one another, I found a soul connection that I did not expect.  As we continue to discover differences, we gravitate to a similar core of beliefs, values and desires.

My exercise classes stopping affecting me drastically.  My fitness community is such a lifeline for me, especially being solo in a new city!  Luckily, we began virtual sessions, which aren't ideal - it's the social aspect and feeling their energy that motivates me! But we have made the best of it, and it has pushed me further out of my comfort zone while showing me new challenges to overcome.

Looking at the New Year, I can't say that my path is clearly set ahead of me - which after the challenges raised in 2020, I think we all share this period of unknown but yet are still hopeful and driven.  I feel so much stronger than I did just a few months ago and definitely better than just thirteen months ago.

Living fully in the present is the key and not an easy task for a personality that is always looking at what the next goal and improvement is going to be.  I have goals and missions, but taking things one day at a time and remaining open to possibilities is the best approach for me.  As one of my wonderful friends reminded me last week, most things in life are not "emergencies." I'm working on perspective... and I am grateful. Always, always grateful.

Reframe

This afternoon, I had an unexpected phone call from my doctor's office... which started conversations about my own perspective of my life.  

For those of you playing from home, yes, I got divorced last year, and yes, I am in a new relationship now... and I am working from home and still leading dance fitness classes and am living in my own little "empty nest." To say the past year has brought some change would not even begin to scratch the surface. 

I have endured loss, sadness and rejection,  but I have also enjoyed excitement, joy and possibilities.  Choosing to focus on what could be and having faith isn't always easy, especially when you spend long evenings with negative self-talk. It takes effort to pull that inner voice forward, hear it, respect it and tell it to shut the hell up. 

One of my greatest struggles has been Food. I have not been very inspired to cook for myself and I have let my lack of self care neglect my nutrition.  However, today's discussions with the doctor's office, my daughter and my boyfriend each reminded me of something important. When I started my new chapters in Austin, I was eager to cook for myself... because I could, not because I "had to." 

So I am shifting back, reframing, if you will, to my Cook, Clear and Connect. Food brings so much joy in life, and we all deserve to create that for ourselves- whether we have anyone to share it with or not. Regardless of my eating solo or with those I care about, nourishment keeps me alive and well... and that's the main requirement to #keepgoing. And my existence IS important to some people. I'm not done yet. 

4, 3, 2...

Another huge change... the countdown begins...
I'm downsizing even more, now into a one bedroom apartment as my daughter prepares to venture out on her own.

Two years and nine months in the two-bedroom unit, a lot has happened. Joy, sadness. Disappointments, achievements. Heartbreaks, love. Pool parties, quarantine. And my little girl turned 18, finished high school and is pursuing her dreams.

Mama Bird (thank you, Shelley, for the nickname) is moving up to her own solo "nest" and will need to learn to let go even more.

I've always had my own interests and goals while parenting, but this stage of life will be quite different. I'm grateful for all my friends and family as I do feel very alone, but I have me.

We never know what the future holds. I just told Hope last night that Plans are just illusions we create. As a certified Professional Event Planner, I did smile at hearing those words leave my lips. We create Plans as a sense of security knowing full well that we can't control any of the outcomes.
 
I think the word Prepare works better. Instead of trying to plan my future, I'm going to prepare myself for whatever is coming my way. That "work" comes from within, and with all the time I will be spending alone, I need to trust that I can provide what I need for myself.
 
4... 3... 2...

2020... WTH?

Wow. This calendar year has been far more f'd up than I had ever imagined.
 

Entering January, all trying to return to my love of Austin, my amazing, powerful, independent female friends and treasuring the last months of my daughter living with me, and what?!? Some guy in Asia eats a bat and everyone's world comes to a screeching halt.
   

My Happy Hours? Gone. My fitness center? Locked. My pool? Off limits. My fitness classes... honestly, the hardest part, stopped. 

  

But, my friends, we are not just victims. We throw a fit, and in my case a long verbal rant of profanity... and then, we ask, "so what can we do?"

  

After many suggestions and inquiries about me holding my SHiNE Dance Fitness, which is against policy as a conflict of interest, I CAN hold virtual classes for my existing groups. That led me to expanding my Zoom account and, as a result, I can host online Happy Hours. I have tried a few free online fitness classes to cross train, and I have returned to running outside, which kills and builds my calves, but it's temporary.
   

The hardest test is being without sunshine. I literally have nowhere to go to absorb my Vitamin D and happiness. My apartment is completely shaded and I am surrounded by Live Oaks. They are beautiful, but I moved here for the Sun.
   

It's the one, the largest obstacle I cannot overcome. So, I am doing my best to surrender and accept. The Summer of 2020, I will be pale and trapped indoors, but damn it, I'll still work out and have incredible friends and heal and believe in myself. Because when my greatest joy is stripped from my existence, I will find a way to survive by appreciating what I do have.
   

And so far, I've been kept safe from the Killer Hornets. Good God... I need a bigger fly swatter. As a problem solver, I'll need to get on Amazon stat and get ready for that.
  

Stay safe,y'all. Love you. Please let me know how you are coping. #strongertogether  Now, more than ever.

Using your Time

This quarantine has changed our lives. Our daily routines have been shut down. We all have restrictions on what we want to do and how we enjoy spending our time.

 

Before my fitness center and pool were taken off limits, I had planned to use the time at home to "reset" my goals and prioritize my time better. You know, get back to myself. Now being confined to my four walls, I am limited to fewer ways to get through this time.

 

So far, yes, we can still venture out to trails and parks... if someone could get Mother Nature to help us out a little, I would be completely indebted. This rain is another boundary to joy... like being entrapped in a big long "sick day" without being ill.

  

However, I am a Taurus. 100%. Am I able to remain in a sad fate of sadness? Sometimes I think so... but then I remember who I am. I'm not going to allow all these restrictions to take away my mission, and you shouldn't either.

 

We have no control over any of this. All we can do is be grateful for what we do have, trust the better days ahead and help one another. 

  

I want to encourage and inspire people. We will eventually get back into gyms (and conference rooms), and I will see my fitness fam again. I will continue to pursue public options for SHiNE in Austin/Texas (Have speaker, Will travel). Studying my ass off, I am determined to obtain certification as a Group Fitness Instructor. 

 

This time can be utilized to reflect on our lives. What have we been taking for granted? What have you been putting off that once bans are lifted you can do? Those "bucket lists"... reassess them. Who do you miss? Have you told them?

 

One life. It's all that we are aware that we have. Quarantine time... we fear the unknown. So let's focus on what we have right now, and look to how we can live our best and be our best once we're able to share time together. Changed. Hopefully improved. 

Hope is 18

We all say "time flies," but I am honestly in shock that my darling little baby is now considered a legal adult. It truly does not feel like it has been eighteen years since she blessed my life. How did that pass so quickly?
  
I remember talking with the stupendously talented Erich Yetter at Peoria Ballet Company when I first started this blog... he asked about my posts, and we touched on all the "choices and changes" we see and share as parents - in them, in us, and in one another. 
 
This past week in particular, it has all flashed before my eyes randomly. Her preschool years, Charter Oak, moving to Dunlap where she joined Wilder-Waite, middle school at DMS, entering high school... the move to Austin is still surreal. Like you were watching a TV series and that last season, they're like "surprise! That whole thing was a dream!" And you're like wth??!? What do I do with THAT?!

But it's more than reflecting on her childhood or having random memories pop up unexpected. I think living 1,000 miles away it also amplifies the people I thought would always be part of her/our life. Some disappeared almost immediately. Others have slowly faded. A select few have kept in touch. Life is so strange.

I'm not sure if it makes me sad that Hope has faced these realities before departing for college or if I'm glad that she is aware this happens... I think a bit of both. She still has so many decisions ahead of her and as her "mom," I am doing my best to let her figure out her own path while also voicing concerns and caution. Mistakes are lessons as long as we learn from them and if we don't repeat or continue going in the wrong direction because it feels more comfortable.

Massive changes lie ahead. While she is still deciding, waiting and contemplating, I have decided to be strive to be happy hanging out in limbo. While I am programmed to be a Type A planner, my move to Texas has definitely shown me, sometimes in not so pleasant and blunt ways, life will never go as I expect.  If anything, I hope that my daughter, witnessing my struggles, failures, triumphs, surprises and lessons, will be more equipped to not only handle what lies in store for her, but that she will face it all with the confidence and security that we all deserve.

I am so beyond proud of her. While she will always be my "four-pound baby," she has grown into such an impressive, intelligent, caring woman. I am truly blessed that I have been able to witness it.

December

Let me start by stating that I think everyone's "Relationship Status" is Complicated.  Together, apart; straight, bi; single, married - all relationships have challenges.  People strive for a perfection that doesn't exist.  I have yet to view too many people post an argument, a betrayal, a disappointment on social media.  And as humans, we all have them, so I thank you all for having maturity and respect in that manner. (Or you just discovered that I don't follow you on social media.)

I recently read this quote by Delia Mooney:
"the truth is, according to multiple studies referenced in her book, almost everything we think we know about the benefits of marriage or the dangers of staying single are completely exaggerated and often, just plain wrong. Case in point: Married people are not necessarily happier than single people."

I do not regret marrying Chad when I did.  Yes, we were very young, but I still believe, regardless of age, we are meant to continue to always grow and evolve as people.  The goal is to do it together - not to become the same person, but to fully support one another in your similarities and even more so in the differences.  Time that passes when you begin down separate paths can make it more difficult to reconnect.

Most marriages have a common flow... excitement to comfort, maybe to a little boredom, then back to reconnecting...  I do wish I had handled things differently, but looking back at decisions and questioning what was done doesn't change the future.  The steps taken every day from here and now form the path ahead.

Evolving and growing requires change.  It happened to me without my even being aware.  I found myself in a Midwest role that I knew I wasn't fully enjoying, but I was making the most of it. I was pretty excited to have the opportunities I had in Peoria. Being on stage, encouraging JFL cheerleaders, being a volunteer for non-profits and celebrating the business community, I definitely found ways to love my life!

I would never have chosen the circumstances that pushed me to move to Austin, Texas.  I wanted Chad to get a new job and have to move because of his career.  I didn't want to instigate such drastic differences.  I was terrified, but I focused on the excitement... on what could be.  It was frightening and intimidating, but I realized I would have stayed complacent in Illinois if I hadn't taken the risk.  Just going through the motions of living and trying to amplify the bits of happiness that I created... and that's not the best life to live.

Not only am I a different woman from when I was a young bride, but my identity has changed so much through the years since. I am supportive of the "Texas Girl" I have become.  Many more changes still lie ahead, but I have nothing but to be ready and focus on becoming who I am meant to be... whoever she is.