Okay... even Bigger Changes

"Everything's bigger in Texas," right?  Does that include Change?
  

I am moving.  I am leaving my life and all that I know.  I am expanding my career path, changing my address and pursuing great changes in myself.  I feel pretty insane.  My friends are the best.  Hope's involvement in Peoria Ballet Company and the Dunlap Dance Teams has been so incredible - I have loved so much of those experiences.  Stage experiences, coaching experiences, all of my volunteer efforts.  The amazing connections I have made with people and businesses.

  

However... there are new challenges and new moments of joy and success if I look to the opportunities rather than the losses.  Some are made by choice, but most changes are forced upon us. This situation is both - I did not choose for my husband's job to be eliminated from his company in January.  But I did choose to do something about it to help our family financially.

My new employment will move us to a better market for my husband's amazing and impressive talents.  As frightened as I am, my confidence in his abilities overshadows doubt.  We still have a long, long way to go, but each step must be taken at a time... with patience and faith, two characteristics that I typically lack.  The bigger the change, the more steps, more setbacks and more dedication required.
 

A quote by Danielle LaPorte was in my social media recently... "How deep change happens: It's not always the dramatic decisions.  It's after persistence, loss, rebuilding, devotion to what you deem meaningful." This adjustment is not something I can just tackle and celebrate victory.  It is going to take a lot of endurance.  I will appreciate any and all support and encouragement, yet I know that I will not be able to rely completely on that.  I am on my own, at least at first. 

Our home will be put up for sale this week and my family will join me in Texas once other pieces fall into place.  In that time, I will be working on self-improvement initiatives and self reliance in a new city, while also researching school districts and mastering a new role in a completely different work environment.  Please follow my journey and provide any feedback possible.  It will mean the world to me.

Travel Perspective

One year ago, I adventured on my first "Girls Trip" - which is sort of a half truth - as I embarked on a flight to Las Vegas solo to visit my high school "bestie" at her house.

Even with delays, a major lack of customer service, surprise "pat downs" because of the jewels on my shirt, I do love to travel.

I will say, however, my horrible experiences with Allegiant Air did actually restore my faith in good people as well.  Meeting others in my ridiculous situation and being able to laugh together about an additional delay because a lavatory wasn't emptied during the 12 hours it sat at PIA (after our initial delays) led to bonding.

In a world when most people stare at their phones and avoid eye contact, the travel issues and overall hatred toward Allegiant provided reasons to interact and get to know each other.  It was incredible.

I love random conversations, too.  I enjoy being reminded that there are millions of people in the world - so many of them are amazingly interesting and cool.

Travel reminds me that while I think my challenges are large enough to consume me, I am just a speck on this huge planet. Taking any moment to escape the norm, explore cities, learn about other diverse people and the landscapes they know... that is what I love.

So, one year later, financial circumstances have shut down my ability to travel at this time.  Never again via Allegiant, but I yearn to do it again... one day.

Bid Farewell to Expectations

We have all suffered heartbreak and disappointment.  Rejection hurts, and I'm not sure it ever gets easier.  With all these people roaming our planet, we are blessed to encounter kindred spirits and soul mates.  Unfortunately, we meet people who also are some sort of "life lesson" that we may or may not ever understand.  People that we believe in and want in our lives, but it doesn't always work out.

It's not always the person that is what we miss so much, though.  We miss the expectations and the excitement... the "what could have been."  The person is just a person - it's the filter that we used to view them that we need to change in order to heal.

However exciting or attractive or happy this person caused us to feel... we are still the same.  We didn't change.  Yet, after being hurt or neglected or turned down, we feel less worthy, less appealing, less confident.  When they pull their interest or support away, we tend to think that it was something we did or something they learned about us that they didn't like.  But it isn't us - it is them.

We are still the awesome, incredible individuals that we were when they entered our lives.  We allowed them to control our feelings.  With or without intent, we handed over our power.  We made them important because we liked, maybe even obsessed over where we imagined the relationship progressing.  The possibilities keep us attracted and sometimes blind us.

But they fell short.  That isn't our fault, but we do have the abilities to take back our control of our thought patterns and move on.  Get the filter off of what the imagination made us see and believe. Sometimes the truth hurts because the reality is so disappointing compared to the initial thoughts.

Expectations can be land mines... try to instead focus on moments as they are.  Enjoy them without placing too much invested emotions on where it could lead.  Just savor.  If the other person is scared or for whatever reason cannot cherish time spent with you, shift your perspective back to you.  Know that you deserve better.

Removing the lens hurts, and it can be a long, difficult, sad process.  But when you know you are doing it so that your own self-value can shine, it helps.  Remember that your view is up to YOU. While others can (and will) let you down, you have the ability to change your perspective and thoughts.

Walking Away

"When self-respect takes its rightful place in the psyche of a woman, she will not allow herself to be manipulated by anyone."  -Indira Mahindra

The human's "fight or flight" response was first described by Walter Bradford Cannon as a physiological reaction that occurs in response to our feelings of attack or stress.  But where does the act of just walking away become an option?

Since high school, I have been judged as "running away" from my problems.  Yes, I moved the middle of my Junior year to escape a toxic household, but I did so for my own psychiatric health and stability.  Of course I have changed jobs when I felt that I was no longer appreciated or wanted to stretch my talents and abilities... sometimes both.  I have had to walk away from friendships and relationships that were damaging to my self-esteem.  Running away to avoid difficulty is a lot easier than walking away.

I believe when you feel disrespected and you just can't handle it any more, sometimes just removing yourself from a negative situation is truly the best option.  You choose your battles, but some situations you can just feel don't hold enough value for the "fight."  Your time is precious.  If your expectations are continually resulting in disappointment or hurt, it means a change must be made.  To me, that indicates the difference of running away in fear or walking away with dignity.  It's about your self-value, not about being scared of conflict.  In fact, it takes courage and strength - especially if you want to stay.  Everyone has their opinion, but you just have to do what you feel is right for yourself.  You live with yourself, for yourself, so your feedback is what has to matter the most.

In the end, the truth is eventually revealed.  It can be heartbreaking that what you have been working towards or truly enjoying just isn't adding value to your life.  Other times, you can see that your efforts just are not going to be enough, no matter what you do.

While running away is a "flight," walking away can be empowering.  Especially if you can focus on what you are now heading toward and disregard what you are leaving behind.  Moving forward requires exactly that: continuing in a better direction.

Stages of Marriage

I'm just going to say this: The concept of Marriage is a bit ridiculous.  I have a hard time living with myself everyday.  The idea of living with someone else for the rest of existence is actually pretty profound... let alone expecting someone to live with me for all their days!

Don't get me wrong - I honestly love my husband.  He's a great guy, a strong man and an incredible father.  We have been through a lot of life together... A LOT of life.  We married when we were very young.  When you are in love, you don't want to let it go.  You want it forever, so you commit to, well, forever.

I couldn't imagine wanting to be with anyone else, and I didn't figure anybody could possibly deal with all my baggage and issues, either.  Also, I figured we would both continue to change and grow, and I believed that we could easily support one another as we grew into mature adults.

We knew we would have struggles, but I also know we both had more optimism at the time.  We didn't know that we would still live in the Midwest, that he would not land a job that pays him his creative worth, that I would have such difficulty finding my own role in the world.  We didn't think that having a child would be nearly impossible for me.  We didn't figure on having such large losses so early in life (unborn children and parents passing away).

Most people marry because they are either expected to (family, friends, society) or because it's included on that list of having a "happy, successful life."  It isn't shocking to me that the rate of divorce continually fluctuates around 50%.  Half, people.  Half.  Marriage is hard.  After coordinating weddings for so many years, I literally saw how "the Day" became so much more the focus than the actual RELATIONSHIP.  And once all the excitement, the plans and the sparkling sheen of a "new life" fade, that is when the actual work begins... and it doesn't stop.

No one is perfect, yet sometimes people think that someone else could be a solution to all of their own problems.  Or they love someone, but he or she just needs to improve on "this" or should really do things like "that."  Forget the fact that the other human being is just working on living... forget that he or she might have similar thoughts about the other partner, as well.  It can all build up and giving up can be so easy, maybe even attractive... or "walking away" can seem like the only option for sanity and peace.

The biggest challenge with matrimony is that we are all pushing on every day just to find ourselves, fix ourselves, be content with ourselves.  Social Media shows us how much "happier" others appear.  Society has most of us competing for better homes, better cars, better clothing.  We are all trying to be wealthy, sexy, secure ... and sometimes, you turn and wonder if the one you are married to doesn't share your path and goals anymore.

So how do "long marriages" work?  My guess is the choices every day - that while you aren't the people you were when you said your vows, you are still individuals who care for each other and want to continue in this mad world together.  Every single day.

In this crazy world, it's tough to find someone who understands all that you are enduring, while he or she is dealing with disappointments, challenges and goals, as well.  If you can spend your days with somebody and, through it all, find the ability to laugh and enjoy the changes throughout your relationship, I think that could lead to a "successful" marriage.  Time can only tell.

Disappointment

How drastic do your feelings change for someone when they have hurt you or let you down?

Does it depend on how long you have known the person?  How often they seem to have disregard for you?  If you see him or her often, do you process the hurt feelings differently?  Are you quick to write someone off or do you find yourself giving the culprit chance after chance to make it up to you?

It's been said that there is a very fine line between love and hate.  Easy examples are divorce and break-ups.  Someone you once committed to spend your existence on the planet with becomes your biggest enemy.  And why not?  The people who know us the best are able to truly hit us where it hurts the most.  They know all our vulnerabilities... all our weaknesses.

I know that pain changes me.  I try to gain strength from the hurt, but really I know I just suppress the feelings.  I create distance.  I am unable to deal.   I used to seek other people to fill the void or put additional focus onto projects or activities.  I avoid because the "wrong-doer" no longer cares, and that's too painful for me to accept.

Scars are tougher than skin so as to prevent wounds again.  Calluses develop to eliminate recurring blisters.  But a broken heart can only harden to a cold, hollow space.  We try to mend our hearts, but they are continually fragile, and a piece of mine does not return when I have been deeply hurt.

Humans will always let others down.  We can't help it - it's our nature and no one is available 100%, 24/7.  Most of the time, I like to think I am pretty understanding.  While I know I am "high maintenance," I don't expect more from others that I honestly know I can put forth.

Again in life, I believe there is a balance, but also honesty and care.  When I do let someone down, I hope that I mean enough, that he or she will call me out on it.  If the topic isn't raised, there will be no sense of mending.  However, if the hurt is continual, that is when it turns toxic and letting go is the best option.

My own challenge is forgiveness.  When I am mistreated and there is no apology, I struggle with letting it go and moving on.  I know I take everything far too personally, and I have truly been working on stopping that.  It's difficult to change your feelings, but I don't think it's impossible.

Imperfect Plans with Perfect Results

Being a perfectionist, my planning has gotten the better of me throughout the years.  Being a perfectionist who is also a mother has proven to be quite a challenge.  As they say, "the best laid plans often go astray."

Over the past eight years, however, I have had plenty of opportunities to change my obsession with things running smoothly.  When I closed my business in 2008, I looked at Hope's summer break from school, and using the actual words of "I plan to be spontaneous," we made lists of how we could spend days together.  She was six years old, by the way, but she shared many ideas of what we could do together throughout the summer.

Not every day went well.  I learned to be flexible when plans had to shift due to weather or places we wanted to visit being closed or any other circumstances.

This past weekend, Hope and I went on a trip together to Schaumburg.  We have traveled together as a duo before, but she's a teenager now, and since beginning my new job, I don't get to spend as much time with her.  Our primary purpose was her dance competition, but it was also Mother's Day, so I was hoping for some much-needed bonding time.  So much has changed with our relationship... I have held a few different jobs since she was six years old.  She has changed schools twice.  She is becoming a remarkable young woman who will enter high school this August.  And I am still working on so much with myself.  There are too many days that I wonder how in the world I am supposed to help this beautiful human become a "grown-up" when I still don't know what I want for my life?!

We had a few glitches in our weekend plans, but overall, we had a fantastic time.  I was easily able to shift my perspective and focus on all the good that happened.  She taught me how to take a "Mirror Selfie" and showed me her daily makeup routine.  She instructed me on how to do a "Messy Bun," but I don't think she ever realized just how much more long, beautiful hair she has then her mom!  She actually had me join her in one of her Phhhoto app videos (I am honored!).

We had long discussions, we danced and sang together in the car, we shopped, we got to be poolside.  We laughed... a lot!  It was a terrific break from routine.  And I think she respects who I am trying to be... or maybe she admires that I am still trying, and that's the point.  She's a person - I will never know all of what she thinks or believes, but I feel she would tell me the truth.

The entire "parenting" plan hasn't played out as I envisioned, but I am truly loving who this daughter of mine is becoming.  It's proof that successful planning is actually doing your best... then letting go and just enjoying what happens.