New Chapter or a Whole New Book?

The year 2025 derailed me beyond words. It truly is difficult for me to write. As I was establishing myself in a community and finding a path in what I thought was a "new chapter" of my life, it was blocked completely, forcing me to pivot.  As I now try to find new grounding, the activities, people and missions I was thoroughly loving are now far from my grasp and feel far away.

Reflecting, I have always had involvement - from growing my own small business while working in the corporate world and remodeling homes, to having an incredible child which led me to volunteering like a madwoman, and eventually leading fitness classes while working... my life has always overflowed with outlets and involvement.

Let me pause to express how immensely grateful I am to have returned to my previous agency for employment. The team I work with is a tremendous blessing and the opportunities I have in learning are incredible. Maybe those who said I was overqualified for the Executive Director role with the North Lake Travis Chamber of Commerce were right. Maybe I would have "been bored." I doubt it, but none the less, I was overlooked and underappreciated. I am blown away by the feedback I am receiving after just seven months in my current position.

While looking to some of my close friends on "where do I share my energies," one amazing friend of mine told me to stop. She indicated that perhaps it's time I focus on myself and take a break. At the time, that left me a bit frustrated. What if I can't figure out how to do that. There are only so many face masks and pedicures and sitting in my sorrow trying to reassure myself that I still hold relevancy.

In my session today, my therapist suggested I re-frame my thinking that instead of feeling lost or that my purpose is spent, I am in a new search. I do have a lot to offer... I just haven't found where to put those energies yet. And, to be honest, that is comforting. I have been trying to grant myself grace. Taking a new management position with great demand of time-sensitive work and living in a new space is difficult. My brain, body and spirit have needed to re-set. It's okay that I haven't found that fit yet for a greater purpose. My coworkers appreciate my dedication and my commitment. My path does continue. New book or a new chapter, I will follow the way that my light shines bright.

And it Continues...

Identity. What does it mean to you?  I've moved. I've morphed. I've mourned.

In my hometown, I never gave much thought to my purpose besides community support and raising a terrific daughter.  Relocating to Austin, I leapt into a Texas lifestyle of being poolside and making new friends.

Moving to Lago Vista while my daughter has gone off to pursue her own dreams, I have struggled. While I have met many incredible people and continue to make new, wonderful connections, the Universe would have me make more adjustments.

Establishing a retail store to save our neighbors from a drive to pick up swimming pool and hot tub spa products, I was happy engraving myself into our small town. Making space in this shop for locals to sell their own merchandise and supporting community events, my heart was filled. Employing some team members who are also local has been such a joy... promoting one to our store manager has been a fantastic experience.  It also made room for me to return to seek my greater purpose and step back onto my own career path...

After many months and a few great disappointments in being rejected from positions that are local, I not only got back to my resume path, but also returned to The State Bar of Texas.

Surreal is a word to describe being back in this office building with a lot of familiar faces and many new ones to meet.  Beginning my life in Texas as an SBOT employee, I faced challenges. Returning with new perspectives and more experience, I am humbled. Different floor, different department, different lessons with a different mindset.

I will try to revive my blog here for any of you interested in the my new chapters... and hopefully my new triumphs.  I appreciate your moment to read this and hope you will join me.

New Year... Dare, I say "Resolutions?!"

Most of us struggle with weight and our own body images... and New Year's resolutions typically involve eating better or eating healthier or some combination of both.  I'm not one to make resolutions, but I think this is my year that I have to do so. I've been slacking way too much!

After years of fitness, I admit I am battling a fluctuation of about ten extra pounds, and snuggling in versus hitting the treadmill at 5 a.m. has been a lot more appealing to me.  HOWEVER, I am just not happy with how I feel... which is thick. And not in the good way!

I was injured in September 2020 and am still suffering pain in my left side and just under my heart, so I know that I need to be gentle with myself.  This acceptance made me want to re-boot my blog here and invite you to do the same.  Or, if you don't share these goals, offer my advice and guidance to anyone you know facing this right now.

You don't need to "go hard" or thrust 200% to each workout.  Yes - there are times and places for boot camp style workouts, but if you are your own coach, I suggest being a team and supporting yourself. We all beat ourselves up far too much each day - don't let fitness be your tough love time.

I used to run about 1.5 miles three times a week in addition to my other workouts.  Today, I barely did one full mile.  It takes time and patience to get back... neither of which I am known for having! This is very important to me, though, so it's going to have to work.  

My 2022 bloom planner has an entire intro section for goals.  I have a lot of goals - too many, in fact.  But they are all important to me, so I need to figure out how to meet them.  Even if I don't accomplish them all within a year from now, progress is key.  And that is my point to my getting-back-to-Marni fitness stats.

Feel free to join me - and please offer comments and your experiences, if you can.  #strongertogether!

As the Saying Goes...

Yes, Change IS constant.

When my daughter was graduating and moving out in the super memorable year of 2020, we agreed that my downsizing to a one-bedroom apartment, *with a sleeper sofa*, made far more sense than staying in a two-bedroom apartment that I wasn't exactly delighted with living.  She was, after all, holding aspirations to move across the country if not out of the United States.

However, I didn't have a plan.  I moved. That was that... one day at a time, right?  Finding my new role as a single, empty-nest working woman pursuing a side gig of fitness.

I continue to be grateful for my first job in Texas, I have been so blessed to find communities focused on fitness, and I still enjoy going to places all around the state.  As far as where to call home though, my new chapter expanded outside the city limits.  My time living alone had challenges and benefits, and then my boyfriend and I decided to combine households this past summer.  So now, this Midwest girl from a small town in Illinois is now calling Lago Vista, Texas her new home.  I've learned a lot about myself the past few years and plan to continue to do so while I have been invited to a new community. 

The people I have met already are so encouraging and supportive... and frankly, downright welcoming, genuine and all around great friends. With the much longer commute, I needed to find employment closer to home, so even more changes continue!

Still needing to step out of my comfort zone, I trust further growth and development exist.  Tomorrow is never known, so you need to take the steps that make you happy today. This moment, and trust yourself.

With a new calendar year approaching already, I have many To-Dos and need to take some time to reflect on the Want-To-Dos. If I have been taught anything in all the paths of my history, it takes faith and patience... and remembering that "Change is Always Constant."

Years of Change...

The year 2020... so much for the visions of flying cars and teleporting. This particular calendar year provided more challenges, grief and frustration for the world than any other that I can recall in my somewhat-short lifetime.

My daughter finished her high school career taking her courses on-line. Those of us able to continue our jobs all began working remotely.  Travel was limited.  Socializing with friends came to an abrupt halt. Life changed completely for most of us. Hope's relocation to New York City was put on hold... then put on hold a couple more times. As December marked the end of the year, I looked back at how much changed in those twelve months.

In December 2019, I had dropped to the lowest low I remember in decades. Through meditation, fitness and the aid of two life coaches, I found my way back to myself just as the COVID-19 quarantines began and limited all my therapeutic outlets and support network.

Surprisingly, as well, however, I met an incredible man during this pandemic. We met online and then in person outside at a park, which isn't unconventional in a beautiful city like Austin that has an amazing amount of hiking trails, water activities and outdoor venues, but it was definitely one of the few options of meeting during quarantine. It was the flexibility of his personality that led me to meet him in person, social-distanced.  As we talked and learned about one another, I found a soul connection that I did not expect.  As we continue to discover differences, we gravitate to a similar core of beliefs, values and desires.

My exercise classes stopping affecting me drastically.  My fitness community is such a lifeline for me, especially being solo in a new city!  Luckily, we began virtual sessions, which aren't ideal - it's the social aspect and feeling their energy that motivates me! But we have made the best of it, and it has pushed me further out of my comfort zone while showing me new challenges to overcome.

Looking at the New Year, I can't say that my path is clearly set ahead of me - which after the challenges raised in 2020, I think we all share this period of unknown but yet are still hopeful and driven.  I feel so much stronger than I did just a few months ago and definitely better than just thirteen months ago.

Living fully in the present is the key and not an easy task for a personality that is always looking at what the next goal and improvement is going to be.  I have goals and missions, but taking things one day at a time and remaining open to possibilities is the best approach for me.  As one of my wonderful friends reminded me last week, most things in life are not "emergencies." I'm working on perspective... and I am grateful. Always, always grateful.

Reframe

This afternoon, I had an unexpected phone call from my doctor's office... which started conversations about my own perspective of my life.  

For those of you playing from home, yes, I got divorced last year, and yes, I am in a new relationship now... and I am working from home and still leading dance fitness classes and am living in my own little "empty nest." To say the past year has brought some change would not even begin to scratch the surface. 

I have endured loss, sadness and rejection,  but I have also enjoyed excitement, joy and possibilities.  Choosing to focus on what could be and having faith isn't always easy, especially when you spend long evenings with negative self-talk. It takes effort to pull that inner voice forward, hear it, respect it and tell it to shut the hell up. 

One of my greatest struggles has been Food. I have not been very inspired to cook for myself and I have let my lack of self care neglect my nutrition.  However, today's discussions with the doctor's office, my daughter and my boyfriend each reminded me of something important. When I started my new chapters in Austin, I was eager to cook for myself... because I could, not because I "had to." 

So I am shifting back, reframing, if you will, to my Cook, Clear and Connect. Food brings so much joy in life, and we all deserve to create that for ourselves- whether we have anyone to share it with or not. Regardless of my eating solo or with those I care about, nourishment keeps me alive and well... and that's the main requirement to #keepgoing. And my existence IS important to some people. I'm not done yet. 

4, 3, 2...

Another huge change... the countdown begins...
I'm downsizing even more, now into a one bedroom apartment as my daughter prepares to venture out on her own.

Two years and nine months in the two-bedroom unit, a lot has happened. Joy, sadness. Disappointments, achievements. Heartbreaks, love. Pool parties, quarantine. And my little girl turned 18, finished high school and is pursuing her dreams.

Mama Bird (thank you, Shelley, for the nickname) is moving up to her own solo "nest" and will need to learn to let go even more.

I've always had my own interests and goals while parenting, but this stage of life will be quite different. I'm grateful for all my friends and family as I do feel very alone, but I have me.

We never know what the future holds. I just told Hope last night that Plans are just illusions we create. As a certified Professional Event Planner, I did smile at hearing those words leave my lips. We create Plans as a sense of security knowing full well that we can't control any of the outcomes.
 
I think the word Prepare works better. Instead of trying to plan my future, I'm going to prepare myself for whatever is coming my way. That "work" comes from within, and with all the time I will be spending alone, I need to trust that I can provide what I need for myself.
 
4... 3... 2...

2020... WTH?

Wow. This calendar year has been far more f'd up than I had ever imagined.
 

Entering January, all trying to return to my love of Austin, my amazing, powerful, independent female friends and treasuring the last months of my daughter living with me, and what?!? Some guy in Asia eats a bat and everyone's world comes to a screeching halt.
   

My Happy Hours? Gone. My fitness center? Locked. My pool? Off limits. My fitness classes... honestly, the hardest part, stopped. 

  

But, my friends, we are not just victims. We throw a fit, and in my case a long verbal rant of profanity... and then, we ask, "so what can we do?"

  

After many suggestions and inquiries about me holding my SHiNE Dance Fitness, which is against policy as a conflict of interest, I CAN hold virtual classes for my existing groups. That led me to expanding my Zoom account and, as a result, I can host online Happy Hours. I have tried a few free online fitness classes to cross train, and I have returned to running outside, which kills and builds my calves, but it's temporary.
   

The hardest test is being without sunshine. I literally have nowhere to go to absorb my Vitamin D and happiness. My apartment is completely shaded and I am surrounded by Live Oaks. They are beautiful, but I moved here for the Sun.
   

It's the one, the largest obstacle I cannot overcome. So, I am doing my best to surrender and accept. The Summer of 2020, I will be pale and trapped indoors, but damn it, I'll still work out and have incredible friends and heal and believe in myself. Because when my greatest joy is stripped from my existence, I will find a way to survive by appreciating what I do have.
   

And so far, I've been kept safe from the Killer Hornets. Good God... I need a bigger fly swatter. As a problem solver, I'll need to get on Amazon stat and get ready for that.
  

Stay safe,y'all. Love you. Please let me know how you are coping. #strongertogether  Now, more than ever.

Using your Time

This quarantine has changed our lives. Our daily routines have been shut down. We all have restrictions on what we want to do and how we enjoy spending our time.

 

Before my fitness center and pool were taken off limits, I had planned to use the time at home to "reset" my goals and prioritize my time better. You know, get back to myself. Now being confined to my four walls, I am limited to fewer ways to get through this time.

 

So far, yes, we can still venture out to trails and parks... if someone could get Mother Nature to help us out a little, I would be completely indebted. This rain is another boundary to joy... like being entrapped in a big long "sick day" without being ill.

  

However, I am a Taurus. 100%. Am I able to remain in a sad fate of sadness? Sometimes I think so... but then I remember who I am. I'm not going to allow all these restrictions to take away my mission, and you shouldn't either.

 

We have no control over any of this. All we can do is be grateful for what we do have, trust the better days ahead and help one another. 

  

I want to encourage and inspire people. We will eventually get back into gyms (and conference rooms), and I will see my fitness fam again. I will continue to pursue public options for SHiNE in Austin/Texas (Have speaker, Will travel). Studying my ass off, I am determined to obtain certification as a Group Fitness Instructor. 

 

This time can be utilized to reflect on our lives. What have we been taking for granted? What have you been putting off that once bans are lifted you can do? Those "bucket lists"... reassess them. Who do you miss? Have you told them?

 

One life. It's all that we are aware that we have. Quarantine time... we fear the unknown. So let's focus on what we have right now, and look to how we can live our best and be our best once we're able to share time together. Changed. Hopefully improved. 

Hope is 18

We all say "time flies," but I am honestly in shock that my darling little baby is now considered a legal adult. It truly does not feel like it has been eighteen years since she blessed my life. How did that pass so quickly?
  
I remember talking with the stupendously talented Erich Yetter at Peoria Ballet Company when I first started this blog... he asked about my posts, and we touched on all the "choices and changes" we see and share as parents - in them, in us, and in one another. 
 
This past week in particular, it has all flashed before my eyes randomly. Her preschool years, Charter Oak, moving to Dunlap where she joined Wilder-Waite, middle school at DMS, entering high school... the move to Austin is still surreal. Like you were watching a TV series and that last season, they're like "surprise! That whole thing was a dream!" And you're like wth??!? What do I do with THAT?!

But it's more than reflecting on her childhood or having random memories pop up unexpected. I think living 1,000 miles away it also amplifies the people I thought would always be part of her/our life. Some disappeared almost immediately. Others have slowly faded. A select few have kept in touch. Life is so strange.

I'm not sure if it makes me sad that Hope has faced these realities before departing for college or if I'm glad that she is aware this happens... I think a bit of both. She still has so many decisions ahead of her and as her "mom," I am doing my best to let her figure out her own path while also voicing concerns and caution. Mistakes are lessons as long as we learn from them and if we don't repeat or continue going in the wrong direction because it feels more comfortable.

Massive changes lie ahead. While she is still deciding, waiting and contemplating, I have decided to be strive to be happy hanging out in limbo. While I am programmed to be a Type A planner, my move to Texas has definitely shown me, sometimes in not so pleasant and blunt ways, life will never go as I expect.  If anything, I hope that my daughter, witnessing my struggles, failures, triumphs, surprises and lessons, will be more equipped to not only handle what lies in store for her, but that she will face it all with the confidence and security that we all deserve.

I am so beyond proud of her. While she will always be my "four-pound baby," she has grown into such an impressive, intelligent, caring woman. I am truly blessed that I have been able to witness it.

December

Let me start by stating that I think everyone's "Relationship Status" is Complicated.  Together, apart; straight, bi; single, married - all relationships have challenges.  People strive for a perfection that doesn't exist.  I have yet to view too many people post an argument, a betrayal, a disappointment on social media.  And as humans, we all have them, so I thank you all for having maturity and respect in that manner. (Or you just discovered that I don't follow you on social media.)

I recently read this quote by Delia Mooney:
"the truth is, according to multiple studies referenced in her book, almost everything we think we know about the benefits of marriage or the dangers of staying single are completely exaggerated and often, just plain wrong. Case in point: Married people are not necessarily happier than single people."

I do not regret marrying Chad when I did.  Yes, we were very young, but I still believe, regardless of age, we are meant to continue to always grow and evolve as people.  The goal is to do it together - not to become the same person, but to fully support one another in your similarities and even more so in the differences.  Time that passes when you begin down separate paths can make it more difficult to reconnect.

Most marriages have a common flow... excitement to comfort, maybe to a little boredom, then back to reconnecting...  I do wish I had handled things differently, but looking back at decisions and questioning what was done doesn't change the future.  The steps taken every day from here and now form the path ahead.

Evolving and growing requires change.  It happened to me without my even being aware.  I found myself in a Midwest role that I knew I wasn't fully enjoying, but I was making the most of it. I was pretty excited to have the opportunities I had in Peoria. Being on stage, encouraging JFL cheerleaders, being a volunteer for non-profits and celebrating the business community, I definitely found ways to love my life!

I would never have chosen the circumstances that pushed me to move to Austin, Texas.  I wanted Chad to get a new job and have to move because of his career.  I didn't want to instigate such drastic differences.  I was terrified, but I focused on the excitement... on what could be.  It was frightening and intimidating, but I realized I would have stayed complacent in Illinois if I hadn't taken the risk.  Just going through the motions of living and trying to amplify the bits of happiness that I created... and that's not the best life to live.

Not only am I a different woman from when I was a young bride, but my identity has changed so much through the years since. I am supportive of the "Texas Girl" I have become.  Many more changes still lie ahead, but I have nothing but to be ready and focus on becoming who I am meant to be... whoever she is.

Adjustments to Expectations

"You can't move on to a new life until you unpack the old one - or burn it down to the ground." - Danielle LaPorte
 
Most times I don't want to watch it burn... There were so many aspects of my life in Illinois that I loved, but there is a balance of letting things go in order to free you for what is possible. I honestly didn't think of my move as starting a "new life." I just focused on the opportunities and the excitement. Definitely the excitement.
 
Throughout my relocation, I limited the amount of time that I looked at the life I was leaving. I still do. The pain, hurt and sadness is too much. It was definitely flawed and challenging, as most lives are, but I directed my attention on what I needed to do.
 
It's not quite been two years yet, but I know I was changing for a while before my job offer from Austin was extended.
 
Driving around different parts of my new city, I already have feelings of nostalgia from my arrival and acclimating. It hasn't gone nearly as smoothly as I had hoped, yet, when I look at my current life, I still find the belief that it will somehow all be okay. And there is still a slim chance that it will even work out to be fantastic
 
So, there is a balance between treasuring memories and directing attention to what lies ahead. I remain open to chances and being mindful to live my current life one moment at a time. Every moment is about the perspective you have with it. I am not where I want to be... but I am closer than I have ever been, and there is a lot to enjoy.

Change of Year

The first month of the New Year closes this week opening up to February.  January 27th, and I have not set any true goals for myself for 2019.  I want new achievements, but after the past couple of years, reflecting on my life, I'm sorta out of ideas... kind of sick of the roller coaster, too.

Yet, the last four weeks have surprised me with new opportunities and abilities already!  Usually, when I set out to "get something," it seems to shift further from my grasp.  And amazing experiences were able to be mine without my asking, but based on just who I am (Nutcracker, JFL Cheer, bridal show modeling...).

My life just sort of "happens" to me.  If I want something and go after it, it inevitably becomes an even greater challenge.  All things have been difficult except for obtaining certification as a Professional Event Coordinator.  While I had to study and pass exams, it went well, and I even achieved Honors in three of the five courses.

However, that was the easiest part.  Once I held the piece of paper, I had to struggle to find clients... so that I could work my ass off for them.  It was intimidating to approach wedding and event businesses and "sell myself" to them, as well.  For fifteen years, I was able to fill a role that I loved, but it wasn't easy.  I tired of the stress of never knowing how many clients I could land, and being a Type A personality, I needed stability.

For the past year, I have had a similar experience with my Wellness certifications.  Instead of traveling, I submitted videos of my classes to apply after studying the course work.  That led to a conference call to review my submissions... For someone who can't stand seeing herself on video, yeah that comfort zone was out of sight.  Then, hooray! The official document arrived!  Let the connections in the Austin fitness community begin!  ....Or not.  Well, slowly.  So far, I have met a handful of awesome people who, if they haven't helped me, they have at least provided encouragement.  But I have had to face a lot of rejections if any reply at all. My friend Angie reminds me that I've accomplished a lot in the first six, now twelve months of this endeavor.

If I weren't employed at a state agency office, okay, a "quasi agency" since the facilities management office refuses to allow me to reserve my own spaces for classes, my challenges would be even bigger.  And the women (and men!) I have been blessed to meet teaching around the Capitol have been so incredibly inspiring and amazing!  Maybe I am biased, but I think it takes even more courage to workout in the middle of the day and go back to your desk with "gym hair."  For my class in particular, working out to some funky dance moves with co-workers... that requires even more of getting out of your comfort zone!  I am both, proud and so impressed by this crew!

I was so blessed to open my class to the public at Arthur Murray Dance Studios, where I did not gain any new participants.  My friends and state employees came, along with my amazing daughter.  Then I met the incredible Sonnie at Lache Movement, where three new people attended my class, which made me super happy!  With the holidays, I didn't set any new dates and instead focused on learning three new routines to rotate into the mix as well as a new Warm Up song.

So, I was pretty content with it at the time... which in my life, is when things happen!  I was invited to hold a demo class at an apartment complex, and afterwards, I was asked if I could start doing the class for locations with which the company has fitness agreements.  In February, I will start holding classes for Shape Up Corporate Fitness at a few buildings around Austin.  Angie had suggested this a year ago when my 'location search' began, but I had no one specific to contact.  The places I emailed never replied, so I completely lost hope for doing it.

And voila!  Here we are.

For 2019, I think my main "resolution" is to sincerely lighten up more about my path and really, REALLY hold on to my mantra of "When nothing is certain, anything is possible." (Mandy Hale)

For the rest of my mission of wellness, I have started two new books and listened to a few recordings as the main accomplishment I want to make this year is believing in myself and being more "me." Whatever that is.  Personalities change, preferences change, the things that light the spark into a fire inside you change.  None of us have it all "figured out" because life cannot be completely determined.  At least not in my case.  Honestly, I don't want it to be. I can say at least I'm not bored! Frustrated, quite a bit. Frightened, of course.  But I'm interested to see how my new year unfolds, and it's already been pretty exciting with a lot of potential.

Please comment with your new goals or any situations you have had like mine.  It would help to know I'm not the only one!  Cheers to you for 2019 - I hope it has started well and is amazing for you!

A Good Day to Die?

We all have good days as well as days that feel like continual struggle... but in the "good" moments, do you ever truly think, "If I died right now, I would die happy."

Only when I am in crazy traffic or on airplanes that I have these real, raw questioning moments... mostly because those times seem quite logical that my life will be taken abruptly, but that reflection can occur during great success, too.  "Now that I have accomplished 'this,' I can die happy."

We honestly don't have any say, though, and we all know that. Whether it is a day of joy or hours filled with challenges... whether we have thirty more years on this earth or just months or even moments remaining. No one knows. However, it is in our control to live life fully while we can.

We need to do what makes us happy, but more than that, what makes us feel alive. Yes, pain and sorrow remind us that we exist, but it's the excitement and fear and fulfillment that invigorate our core.

I am currently working on feeling through all emotions and feelings so that every experience will help me live my best life. Even if it's frustration of locations for my fitness class or my feelings being severely hurt by a friend or enduring yet another great disappointment, I want whatever day my life ends for me to feel with every bit of my existence that I did my best... and it can truly be a "good" day to die.

Changes with Others

I have spent a lot of time, and I'm sure wasted too much energy, analyzing "why" I am here in Austin. I would like to believe that I could have found locations for my dance fitness classes in Peoria... it certainly should have been a lot easier given my established relationships. Could have been.  Nothing is guaranteed.

With every non-reply and every "our schedule is full" and every "pay us this much" response, I am all the more grateful for teaching at the State Employee offices.  While I still struggle to get space in the rooms there, the support of my participants overwhelms me.

Just in the past month, I have not only had the joy of their participation, but I also received three gifts... a sweet pencil that says "Shine Today," an inspirational calendar that is actually making me excited for January! and a traditional Chinese Mooncake.  All three tokens of appreciation brought me tears of joy and heartfelt surprise.  The Mooncake, however, stood out.  It is named after the Moon Goddess "Chang'e" and symbolizes a spiritual feeling.  'To share this expresses love and best wishes,' and to receive it from Yanmei means a lot to me.  She is one of my dedicated supporters who I have been SO very blessed to watch come out of her shell and gain confidence - and she says she feels stronger.  Having her hand this to me... telling me how much my classes mean to her... I truly can't express the impact it has had on me. 

I hate being insecure.  My self-doubt borders on destroying me every damn day.  If I can do one small thing and empower any other woman to not feel this dark feeling of being unworthy, I should know that that is success.  In my mind, I know I am making a difference.  I'm not changing the world, but if I can improve the world for a handful of others, that is priceless.  And it's more than I ever thought I could do.

With one of my inspirations retiring this month, I am hoping to gain more opportunities to encourage others. In addition to dance fitness, if... no, WHEN I obtain the Group Fitness Instructor certification, with the help of my new friend Charlotte, I hope to add the toning class of Total Body Conditioning.

These ladies have more drive to exercise than any group I have ever known.  Their dedication and energy is impressive, but I love most that they are supportive of one another.  When I worked to become certified with SHiNE, I had hoped to get to know some of them and get them out of their comfort zones a bit and let loose.  I did not consider the bonds and connections we would make and continue to develop.

I always loved the term "fitfam," but besides my soul sister, Marypat/MP!!!, I had not experienced it.  Now, in our classes, my heart swells when I see them rock my new dance steps and listen to their feedback.  Receiving gifts from them touches me so deeply. I hoped to instill confidence; I am blown away to make an impact. To be thought of outside our classes is the greatest compliment.

My research reflected that the Mooncake is not just a food, it's a profound cultural tradition deep in Chinese people's hearts, symbolizing a spiritual feeling.  Honestly, that is what I want in dance.  It isn't just movement. Dancing for me is a freedom of everything... Why I do it all the time, as much and as often as I can.  If I can lead others to hold more confidence, then Mister DJ, please, play on.

Mooncake Credit: https://www.chinahighlights.com/festivals/mooncake.htm

Physical Changes

Weight and body image have always been and continue to be struggles for me.  I am currently, however, in the best shape of my life... but I work damn hard at it.  I am finally learning how to accept compliments.

As a teen, I developed quickly and had no pride of my physical appearance.  Becoming a grown woman, I battled with changes in my metabolism.  When I was (finally) pregnant with my daughter, I was nauseous the entire first trimester and consumed each brand of cracker on the market to settle my stomach... leading me to gain 40 pounds, and had a 4 pound baby.

I have no desire to tell anyone what "works."  I am not perfect and am not at all an expert in health nor fitness.  I DO believe that everyone's body is different and what is effective for one individual will not necessarily be the best option for another.  And I DO advocate that you have to find what works for you.

For me, that became running (for the second time).  In my 20s, I ran a little, but with Midwest weather and when I working full-time, it fell by the wayside.  When Hope was three years old, however, I became more committed to it. Running two to three times per week, I splurged on a treadmill so that rain and freezing temperatures could no longer lead to excuses.

I've also studied Pilates and Yoga so that as muscles are developed, I can also maintain flexibility.  Another belief shared by most: you need to do more than one style.  It keeps your workouts from becoming mundane and it helps develop multiple muscle areas rather than just toning like just your legs all the time. Now that I am leading a dance fitness class, I am able to select the routines that target all areas of the body.

When I went back to work full-time, I began getting up at 4:50 a.m. to exercise.  It was hard.  It's still hard to do.  But it's my priority, so I make it happen.  My largest blessing, though is that working by the Capitol, I get the advantages of all sorts of additional workout sessions!  Since I am still "new in town," I am still working on finding a public place to hold my own fitness classes.  Yet, I at least get to provide dance fitness to state employees... which I LOVE. 

When it comes to nutrition, anyone who knows me knows that I eat.  Moving to Austin, I cut down a lot - when you cook for one, it's seldom elaborate!  Again, I want to say that what one person finds successful for his/her body type will not necessarily work for another.  A few things that I truly hope my readers will respect if they do not agree: I will not become a vegetarian because I love seafood, I appreciate chicken, and I will not give up the option to eat bacon.  I only eat red meat about once every couple of months.  I avoid "fast food" as much as possible.  All in moderation. (Refer to my "There will always be cookies" blog!)

I am sharing this is because this is the third time in my life that I have actually felt pretty "good" about where I am physically.  While I get nervous about it because I don't want to get comfortable, I remember that it's never, ever too late to instill your own improvements in how you value your health.  There will be failures and days you don't do as well.  Just like falling, however, it's okay as long as you pick yourself back up.  Start small, build, and most of all - be patient.  With age, hormone changes and health issues, weight fluctuates. I am growing in my self value, and I refuse to let it slip ever again. 

My New C: Coach!

Wow!  Six months ago, I achieved my goal of Certified Dance Instructor for SHiNE Dance Fitness!  It was a struggle to secure rooms in the state employment offices, but the support has been incredible.  Gracious, encouraging women have helped me along the way, and I just could not be more appreciative!

Public class locations has been a greater battle.  Since I am new to Austin, making connections at dance studios, gyms and activities centers has been an even larger challenge.  FINALLY, in September, I am going to be able to host introductory classes on Saturday mornings.  The Arthur Murray Dance Studios is letting me use one of their studios.  I have no idea how many people want to wake up early to shake, sweat and SHiNE at 8 a.m., but I am excited to find out!

Still studying for AFAA Group Fitness Instructor certification, as well, I am also looking ahead at the next six months.  I am definitely open to new opportunities and have a lot of ideas!  I also know all too well that there will be more hurdles for me and many more rejections, but the photos of my amazing participants who dance with me and the emails I receive from them continue to encourage and inspire me.

When I started this endeavor in December, I fought self-doubt, pushed myself out of yet another comfort zone, and apparently I'm doing a pretty good job!  #coach

One Year Later...

A full year has passed since I moved to Austin, Texas.  When I reflect on all I have learned so far, it is astonishing.  I have suffered many disappointments, but I have enjoyed more personal triumphs, and overall, it has been good.

In twelve months, I have been blessed to make some terrific new friends and great business connections... I have continually pushed myself out of my comfort zone and not only learned my way around South Austin, I then adjusted to living just Northwest of the city.  Seriously - the different format of frontage roads and U-turns under all the highways, it really feels like mastering a totally new way of driving.

My new little car... she is so fun. I am sad that I no longer have a vehicle to pass to my daughter, but all things happen for a reason... and it saves me additional drivers insurance anyway.   #brightside

Speaking of, Hope has handled her transition Like A Boss.  I am continually amazed and impressed by her resilience and strength.  I didn't want this to happen to her.  As much as I yearned to move to a warmer climate and a more progressive city, I had no desire to move her from her high school.  When the opportunity was presented, however, there were too many reasons for me to leave Peoria.  What I love most is that Hope recognizes them all and appreciates them.  She is learning to not only cope with disappointments, but she finds the positives of the situations.  That took me far longer to develop, and I'm still working on it!

While I have times of sorrow missing my loves and friends in Illinois, I hold them in my heart, and I know that I will see them again.  The strong connections will always remain no matter how far the distance.  I've received so many supportive messages that when I do feel all alone in this huge, exciting city, the words spoken and sent to me give me comfort.

My goals have altered as well.  One year ago, I wanted to connect to my true self while learning a new employment position in a government role.  Six months ago, I achieved certification as a Dance Fitness Instructor and am now studying for Group Fitness Instructor with AFAA.  I am continually trying new things and having a really great experience.

No one really knows where their path will lead, but I am still enjoying my journey.  My new mantra has solidly become "When nothing is certain, anything is possible." (-Mandy Hale)

Perspective.  Positivity.  Peace.

The Dragonfly - Who Knew?

Growing up in the Midwest, I never really paid attention to dragonflies.  Once I knew they wouldn't sting you like wasps, bees and hornets (ouch!), I just saw them and knew I didn't have to feel fear.

Recently in Texas, hanging out with a friend at her pool, a dragonfly landed on me, and she told me it was "good luck."  Laughing, I said that I could use a lot more dragonflies then!  It did return a couple of times, landing on me now and again, and I thanked the little beauty... just in case it was actually trying to provide me some good vibes.

Two days later, at our apartment pool, three different dragonflies kept landing on me - the funniest was a blue on my nose... and yes, one decided to rest on my butt for a bit!  Thinking of what Angie suggested about "luck," I referred to Google for some information.

Of course there is no way to know - every interaction is based on your own perception - but after reading that they carry "wisdom of transformation and adaptability in life," I feel that these little creatures are trying to remind me of my goals.  To Clear my head and get rid of all the baggage that no longer serves me; to Connect spiritually to God and nature and all the Powers That Be; to Continue to grow and develop and flourish as the best person I can be.  To not give up.  Keep looking inward for clarity and know that I am glorious and loving and encouraging.  Success is my own measure, and I have so many blessings.

My journey is nowhere close to being complete - besides, what would I do if it were?  Relax?  Not likely.  But perhaps these aerial beings are coming to me to alert me to lighten up.

I'd like to believe they are sharing the following with me:  Problems aren't generally solved quickly - especially the big ones.  True solutions take time.  Patience is a gift and needs to be practiced to be performed well.  Stay light and adaptable, like the dragonflies, and ride on the winds of life.  You'll arrive where you are meant to be, and you'll know when you get there.   "Stay open to the enfoldment of your personal journey."  I like it... maybe I need another tattoo.

My Google reading sources:
http://www.spiritanimal.info/dragonfly-spirit-animal/
https://themoonlightshop.com/blogs/news/17224984-dragonflies-and-you

Waiting for the Right Time...

I hold on to the belief that everything happens for a reason.  Experiences shape our character and the people we meet affect our personality.

When I moved to Austin in August (2017), I did not feel ready to leave.  Yes, I was determined and I admit that I was pretty damn excited, but I did not feel it was the right time to leave my friends and to move my daughter in her high school experience.  The latter happened to me, and I hated it and have held the extreme disappointment ever since.  I did make forever-friends in Wisconsin who I truly wish I could see a lot more often... but I am still upset that I did not get the "Senior Night on the football track" for Dance Team, and now, neither will my beautiful, talented, stunning daughter.  But Hope is not me.  She is stronger and wiser and has appreciation for the much broader scope of life that this relocation has provided.

My teenage daughter recognized it before I was able to do so.  I love Peoria... but I did feel limited there.  I pushed to own my own business, networked, and did all I could to feel successful.  But shifting to a larger city in a climate that is much more suited to my hot blood... I know it was the right thing to do.

Given choices, I put off moving for her to have the High School experience that I had wanted... but things never go as I plan, and my daughter is flourishing.  We have a very open friendship now, too, and I am finally able to celebrate that she actually likes me, wants to spend time with me and holds respect for me that I made a drastic move in hopes to improve life for all three of us.

If I had waited for the "right" time, I don't think any of this would have happened.  I would not know myself as well as I do at this moment (and I still have a lot left to learn!), and I don't think I would hold so much continued excitement for the future. 

I still don't know if Austin will be where I stay, but it is definitely my HOME right now.  "When nothing is certain, anything is possible."  There is a whole, big world out there... And the time to take leaps is always "right" because not only will everything be okay - things can be amazing if you just stop thinking and take the chance.